Who Says I Can't Take My Time...

It was snowing when I landed and it is now snowing as we get ready to leave this small little town of Tecumseh. It's quiet here. It's peaceful and it is simple. 

 I remember when I used to come home or visit other places, it was no big deal when I would head out. I wouldn't cry. I wouldn't get upset. I wouldn't freak out. But now I am a complete opposite. I bawl like a baby and I get scared when someone says, "When will I see you again?" Well, that happened about 5 times this morning and it's a good thing I I didn't pack my makeup in my suitcase. Talk about water works. Because honestly, who knows when you will see them. It's so easy to get so caught up just living day to day. 

While getting ready this morning, John Mayer's "Who Says" came on Pandora and I began to just smile as I sat there. If you know the song, don't worry I'm not condoning getting high but I am condoning "who says you can't do what you want to do?" I haven't heard that song in years and I remember when I first heard it, I shook my head and thought, "Really John, this is what you write?"  But as 2013 comes to a close, who says you can't do what you want to do in 2014? Who holds you back other than yourself?  

I've learned that if people are in your life that are negative and not helping you grow, then YOU NEED to cut them out. If you hate your job, start looking for a new one.  If life isn't hard sometimes, it probably isn't teaching you what you need to be taught. If you're not challenged, then sign up or volunteer for something that drives you. I've learned that if you didn't like what happened in this year, then stop carrying it in to the next year. Let go of what you cannot control and at the end of the day, be thankful that you woke up with breath in your lungs, a warm bed to sleep in, and know there are more people that love and adore you than you think. You are important. 

Things don't happen how we see in our minds. I try not to fantasize too much about the future, but that's the dreamer inside of me. I'm not one to settle down or even settle for that matter, so to not think about tomorrow is kind of hard for me. However, I have decided that this is something that I would and should work on in 2014. I'm not going to stop dreaming or being optimistic, but I am going to be more of a realist. And I am going to start being more present in right now than later on. "If you are always preparing for the future, you'll never be present for it when it comes." 

I say all of this for my heart's sake. Our hearts take in every ounce of emotion and reaction whether we ask it to or not. A friend who I look up to as a big brother, asked me a few months ago if I still truly believed in my own happily ever after. I said yes while I sat across from my pastor, but if we are being honest, when I got in the car, all I wanted to do was cry my eyes out. Two of my best friends got engaged this year and while I am so excited and truly happy for them, sometimes it is just easier to wear the face.  We always question the "what if that isn't meant for me" type of mentality on several different aspects of our lives. We all fight our inner demons. Our thoughts. Our past. The key is to not to take them with you everywhere you go. Especially into new years and new seasons. 

I don't think I'm meant to just be a banker for the rest of my life or an occasional babysitter. I don't think I'm meant just to be Jenn Marie Castle- the girl who makes coffee or the girl who loves Tiger Baseball or the beach. The girl who loves to see the country, but longs to get out of the actual country. But I know one day it will be more. I know one day I will be a mother, and a wife, and then maybe a grandmother. I'll be a local coffee shop owner. I'll be the best friend you could ever ask for and I am sure at times, I'll even let those who I love down, a time or two. But today, I will be the best Jenn Marie Castle that I know to be. The one who is fearless and yet still bashful. The one who is learning on a daily basis and the one who is no longer scared of repeating the past. The one who loves without cause and the one who makes coffee on Sundays because she knows, this is what she is supposed to do right now, in this season. 

That is the beauty of the years. That is the beauty of the years ending and beginning. You reflect on all that happened and if you are wise enough, you leave it in that year. Because at the end of the day, none of us want to be exactly who we are or where we are today, a year from now.  

C.S. Lewis said it best: "There are far better things ahead than any we leave behind."

Happy 2014