More Surgical Tape... Please.
“You are not surprised by this. God, you are not surprised by this.” Other than telling myself, out-loud, to not pass out and to get to my phone, and saying the name of Jesus over and over again, all I would allow myself to say was those words: “You are not surprised by this. You are not surprised by this. You are with me.”
It happened so fast. So freaking fast. I don’t even know necessarily what happened other than it was just a freak accident that I never saw coming. But isn’t that just like life and seasons, that what we do not ever see coming and what often times feels like we’ve been blindsided and hurt in the deepest of ways, it actually ends up being the very best thing to ever happen to you?
I remember asking the ER doc why he wouldn’t just stitch my wound up. He talked for a few moments and we chatted about options and then he graciously asked me how old I was and I replied with “33.” “Alright, Jenn- so you’re my younger sister’s age…Do you want me to treat you like family? Do you want me to tell you what I would tell my sister right now?” I laughed and smarted off some response and then finally agreed…”Yes, of course- I would hope you would tell me the truth.” He smiled and I could tell he appreciated my sarcasm in the midst of the most annoying, unexpected life event to date. Not only was it a full moon, but it was the winter moon I think and it was midnight…on a Friday. The ER was empty. I couldn’t believe it. I also referenced that the ER was empty and I received many glares and I ended up apologizing several times. Anyways- “You have greater risk of infection if I stitch up the wound. Stitches will not help you. I mean I could, if that’s what you want me to do. But I don’t think you do- It is likely going to get infected and it’s going to be a longer road that you would like. But, I mean I can- we can just cover it up and stitch it up and then you’ll just see what happens… The least amount of infection comes when the wound is left open and it heals from the inside out. You’re going to have to clean this wound every night and pack it and pay attention to it and dress it. Once a day. Once every 24 hours. You can do this. So we’re going to leave it open and let it heal this way. Yes, you have a gaping hole in your leg, but we’re going to drain it and then I am going to pack it and we’ll cover it with gauze and then you’ll do this at home tomorrow… this process, you’ll do it. And you will be fine. Now hang on to something because this needle and medicine is going to hurt and sting really bad.”
He wasn’t lying. It hurt really bad- I even yelled and might have cussed. Sorry mom. But to be honest, what was supposed to last as a 8-10 hour pain reducer, whatever the medical term actually is, I haven’t actually felt that much pain and discomfort since that moment. At least not physical pain. It’s here and there, but the greater pain was and is the emotional, spiritual and mental pain that came after.
I remember going to my doctor the following Monday, praying she would say that the ER doc was crazy and that she was going to stitch it up. She quickly shot that down. She did not even entertain the idea. She smiled and graciously said, “you can do this, just take care of it and pay attention to it, and follow the instructions given to you… you are going to be fine.”
It’s amazing that a physical, gaping hole in my leg, showed me so much, how there was an emotional/spiritual gaping hole in my heart and in my soul and I didn’t even realize it was there. The first night home, I slept fine. High off of adrenaline and shock, I slept a quick 4 hours. The next night and the nights that followed were tormented by fear. It was not long until I realized that even more than a wound, that The Lord was doing something special in my heart, my soul and in my mind. It was in fact a very deep work.
When you are in the thick of something, it is very easy to recognize that something might be wrong, but you’re not exactly sure what the “wrong” is or how drastically it is affecting everything around and within you. The last 6ish months felt like a blur. I don’t really know what happened. I know I functioned and I know I moved around and “I got stuff done”, because it is who I am, but I don’t think I slowed down for one second to treasure it. I don’t think I savored any of it. I feel like I blinked and it was over and I was being whisked away into another new month and a new time and it was just that- something new. The emotions and the feelings, the thoughts, the what did or didn’t happen….. those were just whisked into the past and the new month was happening. I remember specifically asking someone I trust very much in life, “did you even savor this season? Did we? How do we savor this? How do we not miss what The Lord is doing? How am I leading a circle- women, and a team, week in and week out and helping them and discipling them… but how am I missing it within myself personally?” My soul was empty and I was overwhelmed with fear and anxiety without even realizing it.
Insert- Freak Accident. Literally 10 days later.
Now, I do not for one second believe that the Lord causes pain, but I do believe wholeheartedly, from personal experience and from personal witnessing, that the Lord will use pain.
The first time I had to change my dressing and clean the wound, I remember being absolutely terrified. I was shaking uncontrollably and I felt like I was going to throw up. And even though I had people who were available to help me, it was as though I had to prove to myself, that I could do it on my own. It’s so funny- we build up our own selves without even recognizing it. The Lord will quickly knock you down, sis… let me be the first to tell you. It was then, later that night and probably for the next 2.5-3 weeks, that a very kind friend of mine, who is professionally trained, cleaned and dressed my wound. I remember the doc saying, “It is necessary for the wound to be cleaned and drained daily. You have to daily, take out the previous packing and put in new, clean, sterile packing tape. Every time you take out the previous day’s worth, it is taking with it the old, dead, bad bacteria- what could have infection attached to it- it’s taking it out by being removed. It is necessary for the “junk” to come out daily, so the healing can begin and it will heal itself naturally from the inside out.”
Looking back, I knew that the one sentence Dr. Bonner made about the packing tape being removed daily, was not just for a physical wound, but it was infact for an emotional and spiritual wound(s) that laid deep within my soul that I tried to suppress through the years and maybe even decades. But I am confident of this: The Lord is so good that He will use whatever is necessary to remove the “infection” in our souls to bring forth healing and growth.
It is amazing that in the midst of this awful freak accident that I saw the absolute goodness of The Father. Every night, this has been the process: shower, sanitize, use lots of dial soap, take the previous day’s worth of gauze and tape off, wash the wound, unpack the wound, drain and cleanse it with sterile wash and then we would stop and pause. I would lay my hands upon the wound and I would pray and declare Isaiah 53:5 over the wound and over me and my house. I would speak it over those who helped me every night and I would speak it over my life. It became a holy, reverent moment of worship and prayer and I saw and witnessed the absolute healing of the Father in my heart, soul, and in my mind. I even saw it in my relationships, my closest relationships.
What I wanted to start off as me just taking care of myself on my own, I couldn’t. It was not something that could be handled on my own without damaging and destroying more. From the ER trip, to the cleaning of my house, to the store adventures for more freaking medical supplies, to dinners and way late nights talking about life change and bonding and prayers and lots of tears and lots of emotional support… I am convinced that God is Good. He is a Father who loves His Children and what the devil intended for absolute harm, destruction, chaos and fear… the Lord redeemed it. He called me His and He covered me with His grace. He covered me with His peace and I did not sleep in fear, I did not operate in fear. His angels went before and walked the hallways of my home and His Perfect Love cast out all fear and all anxiety. What could have been weeks of anxiety and fear, has turned into worship, healing and a closer relationship with my heavenly Father unlike one I have ever had. Not to mention, the closeness of sisterhood and friendship, that I did not know I so desperately needed. Even in the breaking, in the unpacking- It is necessary to not do this life alone. He will put those/who/what is necessary in your life to help you grow and become the healthiest version of you, for the purpose and calling that He in fact has anointed you to carry out and do. I am confident of this.
And even today, with all that is happening around us. So much unknown. So much chaos. So many opportunities for fear and panic…. He is with us. He is for us. We are His children. And He will in fact cover us under the shelter of His wings. Let us dwell in the secret place. Let us dwell under His wings. Let us rest and dwell in His safety and trust in His ways. Let us use wisdom and discernment. Because He will in fact use every single moment for His redemptive purpose and good. He is faithful to do that which He said he would do and not for one second, is He surprised by any of this.
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