Hard Questions and Heart Surgeries

I recently was doing a devotional and the prompt at the end was, “What are you scared to ask God about? What question do you need to say out loud right now?” I read those words several times and I even actually got up from the table that I was sitting at and went and walked around the cabin I was staying in. I don’t know why, but even thinking about that question began to intimidate me. 

WHAT ARE YOU SCARED TO ASK GOD ABOUT? WHAT DO YOU NEED TO ASK AND SAY OUT LOUD?

I randomly putz around the house, cleaned the kitchen, and then I came back to the table. I pulled the chair out, grabbed my journal and a pen, and tried to come up with some generic questions that I should maybe seriously consider asking, and then I just stopped. I looked up and glanced out the window and just said it- “God, I don’t know why this is so hard for me, but what is it that I need to ask you? Will you please reveal to me what it is that I need to place in your hands and ask you about? Why is this so hard for me to even think about? Why is this SUCH a hard question to ask right now?”

I sighed. The pen began to move, the pages began to turn. 

I think in that moment, I answered the question more than I realized --> why is this so hard for me to even think about? Why are these hard questions? Why can’t I ask these questions?

I am not sure when I stopped believing that I couldn’t ask God anything. I don’t know if I necessarily stopped believing, let me first say that. But I really don’t know what it was that happened along the way, that caused me to put up the wall that I couldn’t ask what I wanted to know. Because, now, my earthly dad- Rick Castle, I have no problem picking up the phone and asking whatever it is that I need to ask. Whether it’s a random question about coal miners, why the Tigers made dumb trade decisions in the 2017 season, why we stopped hanging out with this person, or hey I need something… whatever it is, I have no problem asking my dad for it or asking about it for that matter. And, I also have no problem expecting that my dad will give me the right, truthful answer every single time. Yet, the God who created everything- every single tree and snowflake, every hair on my head, every grain of sand, the same God who gave men and women the ideas to carve out roads in the mountains, THAT GOD, why I can’t think to ask him about my biggest fears and my deepest desires, I sat there stunned. 

Within the past 6 months, my life has drastically changed. I ended a weird, unhealthy long-distance relationship, I ended one career and began something new- a calling. I stopped doing this and started doing that… so much has changed. My faith has always been tested and continually tried, but for whatever reason, the last 6 months, I step back and it’s like, “Wow, that actually all happened. Hey, you made it. You’re walking on the other side of that.” 

I say the above paragraph to say that I went to counseling this past Tuesday, just to go and talk. It was awkward. Actually, it was great, but it was awkward. The voices that I’ve believed for so long made it awkward.  I wanted to run. But it was necessary. It is necessary. I literally wanted to give some lame, generic excuse about why I needed to leave. Everything inside of me was internally screaming, “Just get up and leave. You do not have to do this. You don’t owe it to anybody.” I moved from the chair to the floor. Stick around me long enough and you’ll learn that I’ll take the floor over a chair almost any day of the week. Floors & Booths…. They’re where the magic happens. Anyways. I feel like the last year & half, counseling was about healing from what was done to me or around me, and now the Lord is like, “Hey- we’re now going to deal and talk about all the lies you’ve believed and told yourself. The lies that became the deepest-rooted parts of Jenn Marie Castle.” HERE WE GO (In this moment, I imagine the scene from The Dark Knight, where Heath Ledger is the Joker and he is walking out of hospital, as the bomb goes off after he pushes the button. RIP Heath.) So, I sat there, awkwardly. She asked me to describe and share about the best parts of me. Awkward again. I have no problem praising others or pointing out the best attributes in other people, none whatsoever, but I don’t know why it is so dagum hard to talk good about ourselves. Not in a prideful way, but in an honest- heart to heart with ourselves. YOU OWE IT TO YOURSELF TO BE TRUE TO YOURSELF. You hear that, Jenn Marie???

I threw out a few nice adjectives and attributes about me and she just looked at me, like “Jenn Marie. Why is this so hard for you? You are one of the bravest, strongest women of God that I know, so why is this so hard for you?” I DON’T KNOW, JENNIFER! (her name is Jennifer too. God’s uber cool like that.) She continued on and said the following words that felt like a bomb was triggered. “You are compassionate and you are kind.” You would have thought in that moment that something devasting happened because I began to crack. She continued on, “okay- so why is this hard for you?” I could barely say the words, “Hisfavorite thing about me was that I was kind. The kindness I had for others, the kindness I shared and gave, the way I treat and treated people. Kindness.” Why in the world kindness stuck out to me like a piece of glass in a broken window, as you’re trying to look out and see what’s on the other side and it shreds your arm, who knows…. But it did. I found myself, resenting myself for kindness and compassion. I found myself resenting him because he called out the good stuff- the heart stuff. It had nothing to do with physical appearance or attributes, but it had to do with what was on the inside. And in that moment, in the last 6 months- I realized that I began to tuck away the greatest parts of me: my kindness, my compassion, my faith in Christ and my belief that I can go to my Father and ask any question and anything in His name and receive absolute total truth in return. I think it really hit home because this was the first real relationship that went beyond just looks, convenience, and hooking up. We had actual real, adult conversations about the future, and what we did and didn’t want in a spouse. We had tough conversations. We knew we were physically attracted to each other and yes, I loved it when he told me I was beautiful and said other great things. But, when he called out what was on the inside of me, the real Jenn Marie, those words just stuck out.  She looked at me and with every ounce of boldness in her soft voice, “He doesn’t get to take that from you. He called that out of you- He spoke absolute truth, but the relationship ending, it doesn’t get to take that from you.” I smiled, I nodded, said some other words, we prayed, we hugged, said our goodbyes, scheduled my next appointment and out the door I walked into the Oklahoma wind. 

15 hours later, I sat around a table discussing the goodness of Jesus and the gifts of generosity, with of 6 of the strongest, fiercest women I know, and I pretty much kept my mouth shut the entire time, which if you know me- you know that’s not me. I love to talk about my Jesus. Again, I wanted to get up and walk out, like “Hey- sorry I have a call to take or I have to do this.” I wanted to run and avoid what I knew was probably going to happen within the next 30 minutes. My friend Amanda walked in my office after we prayed and ended our Bible study, shut the door, looked me in the eyes, “What’s wrong? What aren’t you telling me? What are you hiding from?” The tears began to flow- “I have believed the lie that I am not good enough for this and for that. That I don’t deserve to have this or walk this path. I am now realizing all of the lies I have believed for so long.” She held me as I cried. 

Heart surgery is extensive. It’s intense. It’s about being vulnerable enough to admit, I need help and I can’t do it on my own. You’re  fragile and you have to be willing to go under for a procedure that will make you better for the long haul. It is necessary if you want to continue to progress and go on living your life. When your heart is broken and in need of absolute healing, Heart Surgery is necessary if you want to be around for those who need you. Heart surgery is scary, it’s not a one-time fix, it’s a process. It leads to a rebuilding and changing your habits and ways in order to prevent you from going back to what got you there in the first place. It is HARD, but it is necessary.

Uncovering the lies that you have believed for so long, I relate it to heart surgery. It’s hard and tough and even really scary at times, but it is necessary. If you don’t allow those to go in and help extract and remove the junk from the buildup in the arteries of your heart, you’re going to just keep going on what you know. You have to allow a season of “excavation and healing” happen. Imagine living your life, with your heart only working 57% of what it could fully do? You wonder what that other 43% could contribute and produce, right? So why don’t we allow the heart surgeons to come in and do what only they can do? God and His people, that he strategically orchestrates to be a part of our stories. The entire story- the good, the bad. The happiness, the heartache. The mess and the goodness. The mountains and the valleys. 

I’m 46 days into 2019 and I don’t want to live a life with my heart only operating at 57%. I know it’s hard and it’s scary. But I don’t want to harden myself from the hard questions if asking the hard questions is what gets me to the next chapter in the story. I want to believe and know in my heart that I can ask anything in my Father’s name, and He will give me absolute truth and guidance. I believe that He is who He says who He is. I believe He will do what He says He will do. And I believe He is the God of breakthrough and absolute healing of the heart. 

So, Jenn Marie, you are kind and you are compassionate. You’re full of grace and love. And not just others, but for yourself, too. And you’re worthy of the same kindness, compassion, love, and grace that you extend to others, through Jesus. And Jenn Marie, I believe in you- ask the hard questions. You’re brave. Don’t let it stop you this time. I believe in you. 

xo

-Jenn Marie