My Dear 32

You made it.. Did you think you’d be who you are today, then? 365 days ago? A year ago, you were sitting on a pier in South Carolina, overlooking the Atlantic. You watched the wavescrash over the rocks as you let tears fill your eyes and roll down your cheeks. You took a lot of deep breaths and you gazed out into that sunset and you knew that everything was about to change.  You weren’t sure how you were going to get out of it, but you knew you’d find the strength inside of you to push, and man, did you ever push.

You crushed it girl. I hope you’re proud, because I am proud of you. Here are some of our favorite memories.

1.     You lost over 20 pounds! YASS!! 

2.     You went home twice. BOTH HOLIDAYS!

3.     You started counseling. 

4.     You took your first solo trip. ACROSS THE COUNTRY at that.

5.     You missed your first flight…EVER.. and ran barefoot through the airport.

6.     You made it to the summit of the highest mountain in New England.

7.     You hiked the woods with no cell service. (Thank God you have a sense of direction. Literally.)

8.     You stood up for yourself and you fought for what you believed in. 

9.     You pushed back and you did not give in. 

10.  You put a number on the table and you didn’t back down because you knew your value and your worth. 

11.  You weren’t afraid to call yourself a BossBabe. And most importantly, you weren’t afraid to live it out.

12.  You successfully ran a small café. 

13.  You began to dream again. 

14.  You forgave people you thought you wouldn’t ever be able to forgive. 

15.  You experienced healing and genuinely felt it in your soul. 

16.  You let your walls crumble and you truly allowed God to orchestrate your paths and recalibrate all of your defense mechanisms.

17.  You let someone inside and began to trust once again. And at that, you actually felt safe.

18.  You weren’t afraid to risk falling for someone this time around. That might have been the best 6 months in a very long time. 

19.  You weren’t afraid to have the hard conversations. 

20.  You were bold and fearless, probably more than ever in your life. 

21.  You slept better. 

22.  You made healthier decisions. 

23.  You let people in and made new friends. 

24.  You let God restore your faith. 

25.  YOU FINISHED school and got your degree!! 

26.  You prayed more. 

27.  You shared your #MeToo story and you weren’t afraid to waive your white flag for yourself and for others. 

28.  You checked more states off of the map of the places you have visited.

29.  You relinquished control and truly surrendered all. 

30.  You laughed more than you ever have in your entire life. 

31.  You went skinny dipping. 

32.  You truly lived out your calling. 

31 was hard. Very, very hard. By far the hardest of all of the years. But we made it. We did it. Another year lived, and more checked off of the bucket list. And I can truly say with all of my heart, I am the happiest and most fulfilled I have ever felt. 

On April 23rd, I posted one of my favorite quotes on social media that pretty much summed up my year: “Whatever sets your heart on fire, that isn’t random. That is your calling. And you should fiercely pursue it with everything inside of you.” 

A few friends reached out to me asking me what my calling was and to be honest, I wasn’t really expecting to be asked that. I pondered it for a few hours and all I could come up with was this:

“I would say that my calling is people- helping and serving others. Helping people discover their God given purpose and helping them live out their God given purpose. I love having the opportunity to help and take care of others. Oh and of course, coffee shops.”

Let’s acknowledge something, because I know in December, I wrote about Ellie’s and I put a date on it--- I know I am supposed to open a coffee shop. Deep within my bones, I KNOW THIS TRUTH. I don’t know what that looks like or when it will happen, but I can see it clear as day. And I know it’s out there. One day. Throughout the year, especially since January, I prayed that the Lord would help me surrender my little crosses and my will and my plans and desires. A few weeks back, I couldn’t sleep and I gently felt that nudge in my heart… “You’ve surrendered a lot, I’d even consider that you’ve surrendered pretty much everything, but you haven’t surrendered Ellie’s. I thought you said you trust me with that, so why are you clutching it with your fists held tight?” It was a long night to say the least. ;) 

So, I don’t know what 2018 holds. I don’t know what 2019 or 2023 holds. But, I do know who does hold those years and those months. I know that timing is perfect. I know that change is inevitable. I know that faith is necessary and I know that love, grace, and kindness never go out of style. 

I am ending 31 fulfilled. Of course, there were many things that I wasn’t sure about and obviously, the selfishness inside of me probably wanted a few paths to go a little differently, but at the end of the day, it is well with my soul and my heart is full and happy. I’ve learned throughout life whether it  is friendships, relationships, careers, callings, trips, you name it… if it isn’t meant for me—I don’t want it. Whatever “it” might be.

So, maybe at 32, I’ll own my own coffee shop or I’ll work at a church, or maybe I’ll even stay at the bank or who knows- maybe I’ll become a travel blogger. Not gonna lie, that’d be pretty freaking amazing.  Maybe I’ll take another trip to New England and fall in love with sunsets and cities and people I’ve never ventured to. Maybe I’ll lay on a beach next to the rainforest or maybe I’ll walk cobble stone streets and smile at a stranger. Maybe I’ll have the best kiss of my life and maybe I’ll go on my last first date. Who knows.

Hopefully though, I’ll take more risks and if they change my life, just maybe, I just might let them. But I do know, that I’ll never stop giving  grace and kindness and love to others.  I’ll never stop sharing the story of Jesus. I’ll never stop sharing my story. I won’t stop trusting and I won’t stop getting my hopes up. No matter what comes my way, I won’t give up and I won’t give into the lie that you can’t change your life. Because you can.You can change whatever you want, whenever you want. All you need is yourself, Jesus, and your tribe. And of course, lots of patience, faith, grace, laughter, love, and let’s not forget coffee. 

Goodbye, 31. Cheers to 32. 

xo.