He is Good.

Every once in a while, a song is released and it becomes so much more than just a song. It becomes an anthem. It becomes the very breath of your existence and it reminds you daily, of who you are and why you show up, day in and day out and do what you are called and created to do. You find this song and it resonates on the inside of you until it becomes an absolute truth. If I could get the lyrics to “King of My Heart” tattooed on my body, I would. But even more so, this song has become my life song.

I struggled with this song when I first heard it because there is a line that says, “You’re never gonna let me down; You are good.” This line of the song goes on for a solid 30 seconds and it’s upbeat and real and it’s raw with every emotion you can put into a song. You can feel it. However, I wrestled with this because there have been plenty of times when I have felt let down. Specifically let down by God. Confused, angered, frustrated, hurt, questioning everything, full of doubt- every other adjective possible to explain how I felt towards God- It was real and it was evident. But it was in those moments that I realized, He Himself, God- The Great I am- He is good. Always. Even in my misunderstandings and doubts, He is good and He is sovereign.

I didn’t learn this overnight. I can’t even admit to you that I learned this over the course of a few months. It took a few years for me to truly believe the lyrics of this song. It took a lot of grace and it took a lot of truth. It took ME bringing my doubts to the table and laying them out for the Lord to deal with Himself. I am still learning and daily telling myself that He is good. It’s not something you wake up and a light bulb just clicks. At least for me, it wasn’t a light bulb moment. It took lots of time. Lots of talking. Lots of conversation. Lots of writing. Lots of venting. Lots of praying. Lots of questioning. LOTS OF QUESTIONING. Sometimes, it seems like people want to tell you to believe without any conviction or questioning. They quote it as “faith.” Yes- Faith is believing what you cannot see and what you cannot earthly comprehend. But, I think along with faith, it’s perfectly okay and fine and NECESSARY in your Christian walk to have doubts and questions and to bring them to the table.

When innocent children are killed in a high school, I don’t see the good. When my grandfather dies and even though he lived a long, great, God fearing, loving life- I don’t understand why He should go. When babies die before they are born and mothers who try and try and try, miscarry multiple times- I don’t see the goodness. When one of my best friends commits suicide in high school, I don’t see the hope. When the woman who is more like Jesus than any other woman I have ever known, beats cancer only to find out that she has it again, I don’t see or understand His Goodness. When I move a thousand miles from home and everything that I know of ministry falls apart and seems superficial, I don’t see or understand his goodness or necessarily want to believe in His callings.

I read these stories in the Bible of amazing people, doing incredible things for God and it’s easy to look at those stories and see the endings and how they turned out, and how much GOODNESS was in the end. But my favorite parts of the story, are the beginnings and the middles. I want to know about the wilderness and I want to know about the desert spaces. I want to see where God wasn’t, even though really, He was there all along. It’s easy to look at the ending and celebrate that moment, but what about celebrating every stage and every step. That’s the necessity of it all anyways. That’s where you experience and encounter His goodness. That’s where it becomes real and life changing to you.

Recently, I’ve been digging into a few different books and podcasts and they’re challenging me more than I have ever been challenged. For the first time in my life, it feels as though the Lord Himself is sitting across the table from me and asking me, “Do you really believe it? Do you really think I am good? Do you believe that I am sovereign and faithful? Do you believe that you are worthy of my love and pursuit? Do you, Jennifer Marie Castle, believe with every fiber in your body that I am God and I am Good and not for second have ever missed a single step along this journey with you? That I haven’t gone before you and that I haven’t already provided the grace necessary for the mistakes and paths you’ll take in the future? Do you not believe that my Grace is not sufficient and not already factored into your calling? Do you not believe that I am never going to let you down? Do you not believe that I don’t have this? Do you not believe that your calling is tied to your circle and your circle is tied to your coffee shop? Do you not believe that there is not grace and goodness for where you are, right now? Do you not believe it? Because I need you to believe it. Not for me and for my Sovereignty, but for the sole belief of you as an individual, who has a heart that beats daily, with the breath in your lungs and the voice in your soul that is to be shared and spoken.”

Um. Yeah. Wow. Let those words just sink in. Imagine that conversation.

Steffany Gretzinger with Bethel worship, exhorts in the middle of this song and shares a few sentences that have changed the way that I look at this song and even the goodness of Christ Himself: "The only thing in my life greater than my fear, is my conviction- That I knew He was who He said He was, even if I hadn't experienced Him in a certain way yet. Even if my understanding of Him was small, I knew He was not. Long after my life, I want it to be remembered that I sang this song, that I was so completely convinced of the goodness of the Father, that I knew He was who said He was and I know He is good."

So, when I cannot understand and cannot fathom why evil things happen in this world, I am reminded that throughout evil trying to triumph, He is good and He is better and He has already taken the keys from death, hell, and the grave. I understand that this world is full of evil, but His love is stronger and His grace is sufficient. His love and His healing and His Hope is what sustains us and pushes us further.

When I gaze into the eyes of an orphan as they see their adopted parents for the first time, I see his goodness. When I witness, a generation come together for a rally cry, to start a movement, I see His courage and boldness in action. When the love of a dog is who comforts a solider in Iraq when they are all alone after his squadron is killed and destroyed, I know He is the comforter. When someone dies unexpectedly and their life is made even more famous because of their love and work for Jesus, I know He is good. When people beat cancer multiple times and their mission field becomes the cancer wing of Mercy Hospital, I know He is faithful and He is good and He is the ultimate healer. When a mile-wide tornado destroys part of a major city and they rebuild together as a family, stronger than ever- that’s when I know He is good and I know He is in fact hope and restoration.  When I hear the stories, from my very own mother, “She should not have been born- you were never supposed to have children,” I know He is good. I know He is faithful and I know He is who He says He is.  

So maybe you’re not there yet- maybe you still doubt and question and you wrestle with His goodness and the truth of who He is. Even hiding in the very shadow of His wings, you wrestle and fight it. I get it, 100%- I get it. I was there. I’m still there at times when I feel paralyzed and I don’t understand why things have to happen. Why people come in and out of our lives. Why amazing things happen and then end quicker than they began. Why dreams fall to pieces and why horrific, evil things take place day in and day out. But, daily I resolve this in my heart: I resolve in my heart, that He is good. That He is who says He is. That even in my own misunderstandings and doubts, that He is sovereign. Daily, I resolve and surrender my will and my emotions and my soul to Him, to His plans, to His ways. Daily, I resolve that He is Good and not for one second has He ever let me down or left me alone.  He is Good and He is never going to let me down.