The year of all years: 2017

December 18, 2017. 

We’re a week away from Christmas and two weeks away from the year ending. 

What a year it has been. 

I said in January, I would be honest and think of these questions through out the year. So, here are my reflections from the heart of it all: 

How’s your heart? How’s your soul? Did you barely make it by or did you live your best life? How’s your faith? Are you encouraged or are you barely hanging on? Do you like being home for the holidays? What was your first thought when it didn’t happen like it was supp- how you thought it would happen? Did you feel it in the pit of your stomach? Did your past come rushing back in like a wave stretched out crashing over you, bearing down on you?  

When you got that text message, did you sit down or did you roll your eyes and sigh? When death became a little all too familiar, did you rest in the assurance of their peace or did you sink into anger and depression?

 When you missed your flight, what did it teach you? Would you have rather missed that sunrise AND sunset instead? What about that trip? Did you let it change your life and how you view the world? Did you deal with it all or decide to continue to suppress it? Did you have the hard conversations? How vulnerable are you? Are you willing to acknowledge that it happened and that you’re no longer that person? Are you willing to acknowledge that it was not YOUR fault? Do you truly believe that you are a victor and not a victim? 

How’s your integrity and what about your character? And let’s not forget and shy away from purity. I get it, you’re 31- so how about that anxiousness? So again, how’s your character and integrity? What about the walls? Have you made new friends? Have you truly given yourself permission to not be scared or fearful? Have you let anyone in? How did that play out? 

Do you really, truly know that you are loved,  adored and pursued? Do you know and agree that you are worthy of love, adoration and worthy enough to be pursued? That are you are beautiful and lovely? Do you really believe that it will happen in it’s time? That your dreams and desires are not forgotten? That you and your dreams have purpose AND serve a purpose?

And lastly- what about that coffee shop? Are you all talk or what’s happening? 

——— 

These are all questions I’ve asked myself continually, throughout the year. And at the beginning of the year, I told myself I wanted to be more honest than I ever have. That I didn’t want to shy away from hard conversations and I didn’t want my walls to prevent me from allowing something good to happen, or even bad for that matter. Because through the good and the bad, that’s where the growth is. That’s where the healing is. 

So here’s to being honest and embracing the mantra,  “Why not?” 

How’s your heart? The heart is full and hopeful. How’s your soul? Fulfilled. Did you barely make it by or did you live your best life? I waved a lot of white flags, but I’m here and I’m standing and I’m thankful. How’s your faith? Stronger than ever. Are you encouraged or are you barely hanging on? Every day is different, but I would say I’m encouraged and my knuckles have some new scars  on them. Do you like being home for the holidays? This has been the greatest trip home.. ever. The snow helped. :) What was your first thought when “IT” didn’t happen like it was supp- how you thought it would happen? Did you feel it in the pit of your stomach? I was angry. I was devastated. I felt manipulated and like I completely missed the voice of God. I felt so much confusion and bitterness and then I realized those feelings were not of or from God and that was just a lie. And I remembered my 2017 life verse and I clung to it with every ounce of hope I had: The Lord will fight for you- you need only be still. I threw myself into hope and surrounded myself with people who wouldn’t let me do life alone. Did your past come rushing back in like a wave stretched out crashing over you, bearing down on you?  Not this time. It’s under the blood. I only allow grace and truth to crash over me now. 

When you got that text message, did you sit down or did you roll your eyes and sigh? Pretty much had a mental breakdown which triggered a season of anxiety attacks and my faith to be completely shaken. When death became a little all too familiar, did you rest in the assurance of their peace or did you sink into anger and depression? 2016 held a lot of death for me personally. Ii lost 3 grandparents in a span of 9 months. That was hard. 2017 seemed like everyone around me was dying or those closest to me, their family members were dying and that was hard. I don’t like seeing people suffer and if I’ve already walked it, I would rather just walk it again for them. 

 When you missed your flight, what did it teach you? Stop hitting snooze or it’s going to cost a lot of money. Would you have rather missed that sunrise AND sunset instead? Never- it was the perfect and most beautiful day. What about that trip? Did you let it change your life and how you view the world? It changed my entire existence and how I view life and God and His creation. I was fearless and proud of myself for that trip. I took so many  adventures and drove so many miles, got lost a few times with no cell service, drove to the summit of the highest mountain in the NE and stood looking out over hundreds of miles of Appalachian mountain trail ridges and felt the most at peace in my entire life. Did you deal with it all or decide to continue to suppress it? No more suppressing. Only lots of word commuting. Did you have the hard conversations? The hardest of the hardest conversations- too many heart racing moments to account. But so thankful. How vulnerable are you? Vulnerable and hopeful. Are you willing to acknowledge that it happened and that you’re no longer that person? Yes. Are you willing to acknowledge that it was not YOUR fault? Yes. Do you truly believe that you are a victor and not a victim?  With every breath in my body, a thousand hallelujahs- YES.

How’s your integrity and what about your character? Stronger than ever. And let’s not forget and shy away from purity. I mean conversations happen. They’re what make the world go round, right? I get it, you’re 31- so how about that anxiousness? It will happen when it is supposed to happen. So again, how’s your character and integrity? I did have my character and integrity questioned recently and that was one of the worse days in a long time. Humbling. Infuriating. But at the end of the day, whether you’re the sunniest of sunshine, some people just won’t care. Let it be. My character is found in Christ and Him alone. What about the walls? The walls exist, they’ve begun to come down and I also haven’t been able to put up new walls, so that’s interesting and weird. Have you made new friends? Yes. This has been the greatest season of new friends- FRAMILY. From Lovely to youth to the cafe, I’m so grateful. Have you truly given yourself permission to not be scared or fearful? I mean, we’re working through that. Have you let anyone in? Yes. How did that play out? We’re going to need a few bottles of wine for that question. But I will say, that I feel as though I’ve reached a point in my life where I can say no question is off the table. 

Do you really, truly know that you are loved, adored and pursued? Yes. Do you know and agree that you are worthy of love, adoration and worthy enough to be pursued? Yes. That are you are beautiful and lovely? Yes. Do you really believe that it will happen in it’s time? Sure. I think so. That your dreams and desires are not forgotten? Every season has a purpose and time under heaven. That you and your dreams have purpose AND serve a purpose? Yes. 

And lastly- what about that coffee shop? Are you all talk or what’s happening? 

January 17, 2019. 

•Blessed is she who believed that there would be a fulfillment of what was spoken to her from the Lord. Luke 1:45• 

Wishing you the Merriest of Christmas love and make these last two weeks count. Don’t start the New Year, wishing you had the courage to say or do something, but didn’t. 

xoxo- Jenn Marie