Pieces & Peace.

Words. Sometimes they flow like rivers that cannot be stopped and then sometimes, they barely come like rain the driest of deserts. I have felt like the desert lately. 

So much on my heart and so much on my mind, but unable to genuinely express them. Ever been there? I feel like I have lived there for the past few months, so much that I don't even know how long. There was a moment when I felt so overwhelmed that I would cry and weep just because it was releasing something. I don't know what that something was, I just knew that it was a release. 

I pulled up my blog this morning and it's been close to 8 months since I have written; that seems crazy to me. Life happens. I don't want to use that excuse, but life happens. So for the sake of life, let's recap shall we?

Started building a house.
Got offered my dream position.
God said NO, not right now. Sigh.
Went through a week of mourning and crying, got a puppy.
Visited a house that was for sale. God said YES and I said “but I am already building a house.”
God apparently had other plans.
Stop building a house.
Bought the other house.
Moved into new house.
Offered another position. God said “SEE?” throws hands in the air
Discovered it's time to open a coffee shop.
But----- I don't know how to open a coffee shop. I barely know how to make a latte.
It's time to open a coffee shop. What does that even mean? What does that even look like?
Opening a coffee shop in Piedmont.
Has full on melt down.
Decides to get my health in check. Joins Twice Bitten. They're epic people. The real deal kind of people.
I was building a house in Piedmont. “You made me move to Warr Acres.”- Me to God.
“Coffee shop first. Trust me on this. You'll be there soon enough.” throws hands in the air
Realizes that I am about to finish college.
Runs to a friend to say, “Let's start a 40 day prayer challenge.”
Visits Austin, Texas. Breaks ankle.
Has another full on melt down.
It's one thing after another.
I just want to heal.
I just want to feel better.
Got a promotion.
Graduating May 7^th with a business degree. (It's time for a coffee shop, see?) throws hands in the air again
Recognizes that I am turning 30 May 1^st.
I want to be skinny- no, you should want to be healthy.
Another full on melt down.
Quickly realizes, that everything is happening.
Whether or not I am ready for it, it is happening.
Prayer challenge or not, It is going to happen.
Draw the cirlce, it's going to happen.

There is so much more that has happened, I just don't want to ramble and sound like a charity cause.

My friends, life is happening. 

Recently, I heard a young 14 year old girl sing a song on a Wednesday evening and I sat in the back of the auditorium, clicking the next slide, with uncontrollable tears strolling down my face. I realized that the things that are listed above, are simply pieces. They're pieces of my life that at times, I give to God. And then at other times, I keep them to myself because I am scared to let go of them. I am scared of what is to come of them. Or I give them to my roommate and cry my heart out to her or to my mother. I give away these pieces rather than just completely surrendering them to the one who knows all of the pieces by name. I don't give them to the one person that can put all the pieces together. 

Let me tell you that, not giving pieces or giving the wrong pieces, it is an ending wave of emotions. It is a rollercoaster that leaves you so unsettled that you aren't even aware of what really just happened. The past year has been an incredible year. Even through the times where I didn't understand what was really happening, being on the other side of it now, it was incredible. Of course there things that were happening that I didn't understand and even to this day, I don't understand why some of them did, I have to rest in my heart that things will happen whether or not I want them to. And especially realize that whether or not I will understand, they will happen. It has nothing to do with understanding and everything to do with obedience. 

Maybe because it is Holy week and I have just been feeling a certain kind of way recently, but I wonder if this is what Jesus felt like 2000 years ago. I mean, He knew He was doing all of these incredible things, but knowing that He was going to have one final supper with his dudes and then everything was about to change, how nerve racking must that have been? Don't worry, I am not in any way relating this past year to Jesus' life, but the pieces of His life that He was giving to others and doing for others. I wonder if He knew that no matter what He did or didn't do, that life and the plan and purpose was still going to happen? Does that make sense? I wonder how the twelve disciples felt? I wonder how Judas felt? What made it so bad that He couldn't stand it any longer? What was it that kept Jesus going? What registered on the inside of him that caused him to keep bringing His pieces to His Heavenly Father?

I've listened to the song that that Avery sang a few weeks ago, on repeat ever since then. I'm sure my roommate is sick of me singing it and playing it. But, there is something holy about knowing that the one who created you, is relentless in His pursuit and love for you. And even when you bring Him your life in pieces and even hide pieces, He will go to Hell and back to recover it all, to restore you and bring full healing. There is something holy and reverent about knowing that He died for you and His love is unrestrained and wild. That what we are able to understand and contain, He is more than that times a million. 

Recognizing that He is present and always willing to take my pieces and wait patiently for the pieces that I hide, there is a healing that is beyond what time can do. When I decided to start the “Draw the Circle- 40 Day Prayer Challenge” by Mark Batterson, I knew that things would happen and things would begin to change. But I thought they would be more evident and more tangible. I didn’t think that they would be things on the inside of me like my emotions, my mind, my will and my thoughts. As I was reading today, one thing stuck out to me- “You'll never be ready for whatever season is next. But that doesn't mean that you should stop preparing for that season.” That hit me like a ton of bricks. When I think of all the amazing dreams and visions that the Lord has placed within my heart and soul, I begin to freak out and get overwhelmed. But, then the Lord reminds me to surrender that piece to Him and He will then in return provide peace and His perfect timing. 

I don't know what you're walking through. I don't know where you have been. And I don't know your story. But what I do know is that there is joy and peace and strength along the journey when you surrender your pieces. The Bible says in Matthew 11:28-30, “Come to me all you who labor and who are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me. For I am gentle and lowly in heart and in me, you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” 

When you rest in Him and bring your pieces, He covers you in His grace. He restores your joy and peace. He reminds you of your purpose. He covers you in His righteousness. He gives you an unwavering hope and holy confidence. He gives you His love and He does not hide himself from you. He binds together the broken and He calls you His.

“Unreserved, Unrestrained. Your love is wild, your love is wild for me. It isn't shy, It's unashamed. Your love is proud to be seen with me. You don't give your heart in pieces. You don't hide yourself to tease us.Uncontrolled, unconstrained. Your love is a fire, burning bright for me. It's not a spark, it's not just a flame. It's burning bright for all the world to see. You don't give your heart in pieces. You don't hide yourself to tease us.Your loves not fractioned. It's not a troubled mind. It isn't anxious, it's not the restless kind. Your love's not passive, never disengaged. It's always present, it hangs on every word you say. Love keeps its promises, it keeps its word. It honors what's sacred, cause its vows are good. Your loves not broken, it's not insecure. Your loves not selfish, Your love is PURE. And You don't give your heart in pieces. You don't hide yourself to tease us.”