My Dear 29.

April 30th. Another year has come and gone and I feel like it was just yesterday when I wrote my “yearly birthday blog” or whatever you want to label it as. But, wow, here we are! I began things at the age of 28 that I simply could not believe I was having the courage to do. I stood up and defended myself in ways that I have not before, and I can’t tell you how much freedom and liberation I experienced over those times. 

There were days when life was really hard. There were nights, plenty of them when I would cry myself to sleep because I felt alone and scared and unsure. There were days when I was in the mindset of believing that my time in Oklahoma was drawing to a near end, but then, there were better nights and better days. Days of clarity and confirmation. Nights of sweet sleep and rest or even nights of no sleep, full of joy and laughter. Those are the nights and days in which one needs to cling to at all times, to remember when it gets really, really hard and really, really lonely. 

The reality is that within those years, months, days, hours, even seconds- they will always try you. They will be hard and sometimes, a lot of the time, you will feel as though you are unable to go on and you have made every mistake in the book, even the irrevocable ones. The greatest realization of 28 that I received was ‘”So what?! Have a freaking good time and do not for one second look back.”

I am reminded of Philippians 1:6- “Being confident of this: that He, who began a good work in you, will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.” I love these words. I love the freedom of truth that lies within them. That whatever began, will not be complete until the day of Christ’s return. The most beautiful part is that, if you think you haven’t finished what you thought you needed to complete by now, when Jesus shows up, it doesn’t matter anyways- He makes it whole and it is in that moment in which it is complete. If that doesn’t make you want to run or eat a sprinkled donut in celebration, then you are just crazy. =)

I read a post yesterday that said “I graduated high school 12 years ago, college 5 years ago and I still don’t know what I want to be when I grow up.” I laughed but seriously, HOW TRUE IS THAT? Seriously!

 I graduated high school 11 years ago, graduated college (the first time) 7 years ago, and let’s be honest- my goal of graduating again is December of this year, but my next graduation will probably be in 2016; 12 years after high school. I did it all backwards and then some. And that is okay. In 2004, I started studying Criminal Justice and Criminal Law. You want to see me fired up about something or ridiculously obsessed with a major? Throw me into a criminal justice seminar and I am like a kid in the candy store after a 21 day fast. I LOVED IT THEN and I still love it today. And even though, probably 13 or maybe 14 years after I began taking those classes, I have every intention of finishing with my Bachelors of Criminal Justice & Law. Will I go into the Criminal Justice field? I have no clue- but I know that it is something that I am passionate about! Now in 2016, I will be graduating with a different major- Business Administration & Ethics. The hilarious part of this is that up until 9 days ago, I thought my major was “Business Management Administration & Ethics.”  Nope- two different majors and I had no clue. Talk about feeling like a freaking idiot. Ay yi yi. Of course I freaked out and had about 5 panic attacks and when everyone began asking me “well what do you want to do?” I didn’t know what to say or what to think. I was a 28 year old on the verge of a mental breakdown. Yeah… I am too young for that. You are too young for that. We are all too young for that and life is simply too short to have panic attacks and mental breakdowns. 

It doesn’t matter how close you are to finishing, how far you are from your dream. If it still resonates on the inside of you, then do whatever it takes to get that heart beating faster to the rhythm of that dream. 

On March 17, 2015 I made the ballsy decision to start building a house. I signed my paperwork that morning as I had a spilled cup of coffee all over my feet and pants and my heart began to race. It raced to the rhythm of my dream. The dream that I knew that I was here for such a time as this and Piedmont was where I was supposed to throw my roots down in Oklahoma.  The night before, however, I had one of the biggest panic attacks I believe I might have ever had. Everyone was saying “YES! That’s awesome, you should totally do it!” Yet, more people were saying, “No you shouldn’t build when you are buying your first house. You definitely should not do it without a spouse. You are too young for that; too many decisions. You don’t have enough money saved up for that right now. You are going to freak out and get frustrated. You are doing to do this_____ and you are going to feel like that____ and this isn’t going to work out because of _________.” But then, sometimes you have that one friend who says “Screw it and screw them- live your life and make your dreams happen and show every person who says that it cannot be done, that it can be done. Some of those people may say those things and they might be right but drive to the land and walk around the property. Imagine your life there and if you feel at peace and peace exists, then go through with it. But screw the world and everything that they have to say! Have a freaking good time and do not for one second look back.” Thank you for those words Holly Kalhor. :)

 

So, my dear 29: You have big shoes to fill. You have soil to build upon that began at 28, maybe even at 18 and I believe with all of my heart, that 29 will be the best year of MY life. I don’t know what in all it entails, but I do believe if I can dream it, then I can truly make it happen.  I believe that I can be 29 and not really know what I want to be when I grow up, simply because I do not think we are ever done growing. I also don’t think that you should be defined by whatever your “career” is. I am not a banker or an assistant manager. I am person who is great at managing and leading people and I have a way of communicating to others to the extent they believe and have full confidence in the financial advice that I provide them. Lord knows I can’t explain that one, but hey!

The things we are passionate about- those things become our calling and our mission and those are the things that make us who we are. I am passionate about people and helping in any way to make their dreams possible. I want to be the biggest cheerleader for any person. The biggest encourager; The biggest heart full of grace, compassion, mercy, love, strength, truth, integrity, passion, and whatever other adjective that can fill this sentence with. That’s what I want to become. That’s what I want to dream. 

So, again, my dear 29: you have soil to build upon. Continue to fight the fight until you have finished the race and never lose the faith.