Mad. My Rights. My Little Crosses.

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That's what I am teaching on this week. Are you freaking kidding me? When the devotional asked me what I thought one of my rights were, a simple answer was my right to be mad. Not a good answer, Jenn Marie. I also wrote down, my right to my own timing. Again, not a good answer.

My right to be mad. My right to justice. My right to my freedom. My right to my own self control. My right to be mad. My right to not be questioned. My right to be successful. My right to be heard. My right to have a fairy tale wedding. My right to travel. My right to be financially sound. My right... mine, mine, mine. My little crosses.

I decided about 28 days ago that I was no longer going to be stubborn and terrified of my calling and actually do what I knew I was supposed to do. I have fought this for over a year and finally, I let the reigns go on a certain area. My Life. I started a women's Bible study and I was freaking terrified to do it. I was even more stubborn than I was terrified.

“Drench my soul as mercy and grace unfold. I hunger and thirst, I hunger and thirst. I surrender. I surrender. I want to know you more. Like a rushing wind, Jesus breathe within. Lord, have your way. Lord, have your way in me. Like a mighty storm, stir within my soul. Lord, have your way. Lord, have your way in me. “

I cannot stop listening to this song. It has been on repeat for weeks. I go to write and I write a few sentences and then I shut the top of my Macbook. I go to write on my notes, and I delete the note. My brain is overwhelmed and yet for some reason, I just feel like the words can't come out.

I find it rather ironic, yet of course, a total Jesus thing that I begin a study with these incredible women called “Stuck” while our sermon series at church is “The Countertop” and “When You Change.” It is in moments like these that I truly love Jesus and I know that his timing has a purpose.

If I learned anything during this study, it is that ultimately, my only right should be to live a life fully surrendered to Christ and His call that is upon my life. I like to put deadlines on things and it does not help that I am an obsessed scheduler. I like, no wait, I have to know how things will play out. Of course, I love the thrill of the surprise, but I just don't really know how to let something happen.

I had a conversation this week that was a really uncomfortable conversation. I smiled and I agreed, and I said what sounded good but at the end of it, I wanted to puke. I don't think it was uncomfortable for the person on the other end of the phone, but it was for me. I found myself absolutely freaking out, almost to the point of a panic attack. I ended the conversation with me pushing myself away because I don't know what THAT (whatever that might even be) is. I find myself having rights to justify why I build walls and when I am questioned on those rights, I get mad. I found myself having the right to be okay with where I was and that I didn't need to be questioned. I don't like being questioned. I am the “what you see is what you get” kind of girl, but if we are being honest and transparent, that's the biggest lie I have told myself in the long time. Because my right is to smile and play the part. Little crosses.

The last 14 days have consisted of a lot of questions and answers and then even more questions to the point where I just wonder if I missed a memo along the line. I know I am doing what I am called to do. I have spoken 3 times in the past two weeks in front of people, one of those being in front of our youth at church- that's my heart. These women and this incredible time that we share on Monday evenings- that is my heart. Yet, when I walked off the stage Wednesday night, I felt like it was the biggest mistake ever. When I shared my silly “Wedding Wine” story, I felt so incredibly embarrassed and that even Jesus himself was ashamed of me. I felt like I didn't even hear God on a single thing. This is when my right to be understood or really to have understanding takes affect.

Sometimes I think I just want to be stuck. I just want to let it happen like it is supposed to happen. But, I want it to happen on my time because I am stuck.. Yet, when you- when I give up the reigns- ultimately, you give up the right to being stuck. That's what I am really learning. When you give up and lay down your cross, to pick up his and deny yourself, you can't continue to remain stuck. You have to let it go. It's for your own freedom. When you give up the reigns and the rights, really you are allowing the walls to come down brick by brick, one at a time.

“Drench my soul as mercy and grace unfold. I hunger and thirst, I hunger and thirst. I surrender. I surrender. I want to know you more. Like a rushing wind, Jesus breathe within. Lord, have your way. Lord, have your way in me. Like a mighty storm, stir within my soul. Lord, have your way. Lord, have your way in me. “


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