You're So Vain- Yes, This is About You.

"If you knew what getting what you wanted would do to you, would you still want it?" 

I hear these words and they echo throughout my life. I think back on the decisions that I have made and so many times, I am so thankful that God didn't answer the prayers I really wanted him to answer at the time. That might not make sense right now, but think of the times when you have no patience and your heart is anxious. You want it right then and there with no thought of the gravity that it could possibly ring back on your life. We want what we want and that's just the bottom line. 

We are human. We are selfish. We are vain. And wether you choose to admit those three things or not, it doesn't matter because it is true for the simple fact that you have a flesh. The best part about this, is that those three sentences do not define who are you. They don't dictate yourself worth. You do. The attitude and words you choose to believe over your life, do. So when you are feeling selfish about wanting something right then and there- think about what it is going to cost you. What it is going to cost those around you? I bet that never really popped into your mind, huh? 

I think about Jesus and how he never made a decision without thinking it out. Or I think about men who fight in battle. I  am sure they have more than enough time to attack when they feel the moment is right, but just because it looks right, doesn't mean that it is. That's normally when the opposite attack is being setup, so then the initial attack would back fire. 

Today is my four year "moveaversary" here in Oklahoma and this causes me to remember all of the chaos that occurred prior to 2010. Many know this story- I tried so hard to move here 3 times before 2010 and when I finally did, my best friend Holly didn't even have faith that I would actually do it, because each time before that, a door was slammed in my face for some part of it to fall completely through. I joked with my roommate Roz the other day of how I wonder where I might be in life had I not of visited that church in Ohio, which then caused me to attend Bible College, which then led to me Oklahoma. I think eventually I would have found my way to OKC because growing up I was already drawn to Oklahoma. I just wonder when. 

Before Ohio, I didn't want to move. I was happy and content and I had no immediate plans but suddenly everything that I was wanting, was unraveling. Or when I knew I needed to stay in Ohio just a few years longer, but so badly I wanted to leave. All do these years have taught me so much. 

I am very much so reminded of when I almost moved out of state because I so desperately wanted to be the girl who fell in love at Bible College and we would start a ministry together. [it happens for many, but not for everyone.] But there are not enough thank you's for me to say since that didn't happen. Yet I wanted it so badly and I didn't care the cost. I couldn't realize that I was just filling voids. To this day, I don't even recognize the person that I was when 2007-2009 unfolded. That girl is behind me. But it brings me to today and right now. 

I recently began a devotional/journal called "Stuck" by Jennie Allen (Thanks KBay) and to say that it is heart challenging and nerve reckoning is the least. This is by far my favorite devotion because the opening page explains that you have to really be honest to get through the studies. Even if you wanted to BS your way, I don't think you honestly could. Often times, even though it is just me and God and my journal, I still like to pretend that I have my world together and not write or deal with what needs to. Yet with this journal I am completely honest and open like any that I have done before. There are topics like the fear of not getting married, or having a special needs child, or having a failing career, or even the thoughts and opinions of others and what you really think of yourself. And let's be honest- those are some tough topics, none of them have more credit than the other because each one has it's own weight. But I realized that the more I pretended that stuff like this didn't bother me, the more I was just feeding that fear because I wasn't facing them. 

I'll never forget when Jennie covered how she had a fear of not getting married. I was shocked. I mean who admits that? I surely didn't. But I can say that now, yes it is/was a fear. I look around me and three of my closest friends are engaged, two besides that are beginning amazing relationships and then I'm like "Hey God, what about me? Am I just chop liver over here? Is my prince lost in Africa or is he stuck in a tree? WHAT ABOUT JENN MARIE CASTLE?" But then I am reminded of Ecclesiastes- everything has a time and a purpose under heaven. And then I swallow my selfish pride and realize, it's about timing and the right time. Not too soon. Not too late. Not Jenn Marie's time. 

Had I of moved to Oklahoma in 2008, I am confident that I would have hated my life and resented every pastor in ministry. Had I have gotten engaged in 2009 and moved to Chicago, I'm sure we would have separated before the wedding. And had I of taken jobs prior to the one I'm at now, I might be happy- but it wouldn't be where I am supposed to be. 

This isn't a blog on marriage or the right or wrong job, or even moving necessarily. It is a blog on being stuck in some of the areas of life that truly suck, but you are able to overcome them. To overcome fears of apprehension and letting go of worrying. Having patience in the promise of tomorrow. Having faith in the fact that He has and is continually going before you to make crooked places straight. Let this be your hope. 

I am beyond thankful for closed doors because the reality is simple: No, I would not want what I wanted then now that I see full circle of what it would have done to me.