27 years and 30 days...

As I look back on 27, I am reminded that the items that I can tangibly touch are not significant into comparison to the memories that I have made amongst friends and family in the the last 365 days. I am reminded that no matter how much I desire to save, save, save for whatever the future holds, it doesn't define me. And it doesn't really matter how many new dresses I buy to take on trips across the globe, that is all stuff that can be taken in a matter seconds and quickly eliminated from my life. But what can't be taken from me, is the learning and the value that I place on those memories.

In the beginning of April, myself along with my roommates and a few friends from work, we began a 30 day detox. I felt as though anything that tasted good, I was not allowed to have and it quickly infuriated me. I began to become obsessed with calorie count and the number on the scale and how quick I would get skinny. I realized on about day 13 that this was much harder than I had anticipated. It took me a good 27 days to realize that what we were apart of was not about perfection but it was about progress. These words had echoed in my ears for over 3 weeks but it did not really sink in until I sat on the front row at church listening to a message titled “What am I worth?”

I realized that over the past 27 days, I had placed my worth in my emotions of what that dumb little number below my feet said. I placed my feelings on how my pair of jeans did or did not feel that day. And I beat myself up mentally because I cheated and ate a cookie here or there. I realized that this was more a detox of the heart than it was anything else.

For 27 years, I have struggled with wanting to be more. I have struggled with wanting to be that girl that gets the job done right- the first time, has the happy life, everything put together, married with kids, nothing wrong.. but I realized I will never be that girl. Because there will be times when I don't get the job done. I will have days when things suck and there will be days, like yesterday where within a matter of 3 minutes I break a coffee thermos, spray sprite on me and then pour piping hot coffee onto my shoes and then slam my finger in the door of the fridge AFTER I hear a message on “What are you worth?”

I am worth the moments that I fail and I am worth the moments that I soar. I am worth the love and the grace simply because I do not deserve it, but it was given freely to me and there will never be anything that I could ever do to give it back. I am worth not being afraid of what people do or do not think of me because of my past mistakes and flaws because my story makes up who I am. My worth is not found in what man can define and scribble down onto a portfolio, but I am worth more because I am a daughter of the King. So when I want to give up and give in and smoke cigarettes, to use a “quick fix” like I did for 7 months, but I hid it because I was ashamed to admit that I was struggling and falling apart; I will remind myself that this journey- this story- it is about progression and it is not about perfection. Because worth, real true worth is invaluable. Worth is not given by works but worth is given by birth. Worth is receiving something that you do not deserve. My worth is something that renders beauty, admiration, and significance.

So 28 will be a year of not worrying what the number says or how the jeans fit. 28 will be year of walking in worth that is surrounded by grace and living a life of confidence. Because too many times we have bought the lie of “you failed so you are a failure.” Or even better, “You gave away yourself at a young age, so you are unloveable- you are not marriage material, you are un worthy of something more.” But seriously, we do this and we place limits in our lives and on our lives because of the decisions that we made that we can never undo. The beauty is that they do not define who we are. They don't determine where we go. And that at any given moment, anything could change- for the better. So stop living the lie of you are not good enough and that you are not worth enough because you are more than enough.

When you look into the mirror, I dare you to look at yourself the way that God thinks of you. This does not mean that you are prideful, but when you speak the things over your life that the Bible says about you, you begin walking in a grace and faith that is unmovable. For too long we have lived with the mindset that we must do something to earn something, but sometimes, like Grace and Mercy- it is not earned.... it is simply given as a gift and we are given the gift of being WORTH more than we could ever know or imagine.

Like the Shepherd in the Bible that lost the 1 sheep... he left the 99 to be by themselves so he could go look for the ONE DUMB SHEEP that got himself in that mess... I am the ONE DUMB SHEEP and yet daily, he pursues me with a reckless, passionate abandonment. So recognize what you are worth. Recognize the strength in your story. And at the end of the 30 days, you'll be able to look back and say “So what, I messed up along the way but I am better now today than I was 30 days ago.”