I Kissed Dating Goodbye Except I Didn't Stop Kissing

The past few weeks I just haven't felt myself. I don't know if it is that I am beginning to miss home because of the holiday season or because my parent's left a few weeks ago after visiting or if I'm just really beginning to allow things to surface in my life and truly deal with them.

Myself and a few of my girlfriends started a small Bible study on Monday evenings about 3 weeks ago and the study is on the heart of David. I never really realized how bad this kid had it at first, long before he was crowned king. Long before he committed adultery, committed murder, made an ass out of himself, was a ruler of nations. Long before his life, set in to motion the prophecies of Christ. I mean just over 3 weeks of studying and you see that he was the last one to be picked, the last one one who thought even he could be anointed as the king, the guy he served envied him and tried to have him killed. I mean if my boss had me be her right hand and then tried to kill me, I would be pretty confused and conflicted. But he still served, he still played his harp, he still prayed, and cried out to God at all times. And when he messed up, he went back to where he started and got his life back together. He never lost sight of who called him and who put him into motion. He didn't forget where he came from, he didn't forget who helped get him there, he never stopped his unconditional, radical love for God.

I can always tell when I am needing to deal with certain things because I find myself conflicted, “not feeling myself.” I can be temperamental or even jealous and honestly, I've never really been that kind of person. I'm calm and cool and relaxed. I'll get along with anyone and everyone because it's just who I am and what I do. But lately, I have had to do a lot of self searching and a lot of crying and writing and reading and confessing.

The confessing thing hit me like a brick being thrown from a hundred yards two weeks ago. We do circles on Thursday evenings and they usually go in this order: food, hang out, Josiah teaches, we discuss, we play catch phrase, we hug and say goodbye. It's just what we do every Thursday and I love it. But October 24^th was anything but a normal night for circle. At least it wasn't for me. We started as usual and then Josiah shared some, but then we broke into two groups: guys went outside and girls stayed inside. We began to talk about real life, real crap, trials, hard times, some being abused physically, emotionally, mentally, sexually... you name it, we dealt with it that night. I don't think there was a dry eye in that room. At one point we even told the guys to go back outside.

Nights like these I crave. Nights like these make me know that I moved here for a reason. Nights like these make me hunger for relationships and cultivating friendships. Nights like these, I feel like I was created to be apart of. This might not make sense to many, but I went through a phase in my life where I was afraid to deal with my crap. I wore my smile and acted the part, but deep down inside, I mocked every person who said they were a Christian. I resented every person who had their stuff together. And at times, I even resented God for moving me here and interrupting my life.

I remember when I was in Michigan, I think I was about 20, we took all the girls in our youth group and we went on a retreat to some cabins in Luddington, Michigan. One night, after dinner, we had our own circle that lasted for a good 4, maybe 5 hours. There were over 20 us. The majority of us loved each other but some of us hated each other and the fact that we were in a cabin for 3 days together felt like an atomic bomb could explode at any second without notice. And in the best way possible, it did. Jealousy, envy, love, hate, past failures, abusive relationships, confessions of the heart were all brought to the table and life was simply laid out on the floor in that room. Life change happened that night and I believe life change happened on October 24^th.

As we sat in that living room two weeks ago, I heard stories of young women who decided that night, that it was time for their life to change. They refused to settle with where they had been. They refused to just date to date. They refused to drink to numb the pain or refused to quit the habit of smoking so much that it blurred their thoughts for a few hours to forget the truth. Whatever was covering up the lie of “I am not good enough, I am not loveable, I am not enough” I feel like it was thrown out on the floor that night.

I love how God works. I love His timing. I have realized after 27 years that I will never figure it out. I will never know the whole picture, I just to have keep the faith of what I can see now and believe for the next few steps. The Bible says in Isaiah, that He will go before us and He will make the crooked places straight. What we see as ugly, God sees as beautiful. What we see as damaged, God sees as whole. What we see as empty, God sees as lacking nothing. Nothing missing, Nothing broken.

For about 7 years I couldn't comprehend why I had gone through a few events in my life and without any hesitation, the confirmation came that night. I finally admitted what I held as a secret for over 7 years and even if I would have tried to hide it, I couldn't. I've had more truths of why I am here be confirmed in two weeks than I have probably in a life time.

I remember exactly where I was when I knew I was called into ministry. I can take you back to the spot in a convention center in Cincinnati, Ohio where God showed it to me. I saw a glimpse and 10 years later, because that had yet to happen, I began questioning him. I began questioning Oklahoma. I began questioning being a banker and why I made coffee on Sunday mornings. I would say to myself, “what did I miss? Am I really supposed to be here? Shouldn't I be preaching to youth groups? Shouldn't I be married by now? Shouldn't I be a pastor's wife? Will I ever get married? Am I even marriage material? Why would someone want to marry me? Would I even be a good wife let alone a good mother?”

I think back to David and when he was first anointed and called into ministry. He had a long, very hard road of him, but he kept his end of the deal up. And even once he was crowned King, it wasn't perfect, it became even messier. That's what I love about God. That's what I love about life. There is a message in every mess.

I remember saying to myself that I was unloveable and that I wasn't worth marrying. I remember thinking that I could never really have a true love story because I didn't wait until I was married to give myself away to my husband as his one and only. I remember thinking that I was disgusting and that since I was no longer a size 6 and I had gained weight, that I wasn't pretty. That just my family thought I was beautiful and they only thought that because I was theirs. I remember thinking that I could run away and forget everything and start again but I learned, even when you try to do that, your story will always come out. I remember the Joshua Harris book, “I Kissed Dating Goodbye.” I said I wasn't going to kiss another guy until marriage. I was going on a dating fast to make myself worthy of Mr. Right. (if you have done this, want to, feel led to, this is not me mocking it in anyway.) So I did my dating fast but I didn't stop kissing. I didn't stop hooking up, I just stopped putting a title on it. I didn't let go of the past, I just buried the past. I didn't deal with the insecurities, I just suppressed them. I didn't confront the issue, I just said that it went away. I didn't confront the fear, I just walked away.

For the first time ever in my life on October 24^th, I looked two young women in their eyes and told them they were enough. That their weight didn't define their beauty and that a number meant nothing. That their past didn't define them and that they were worthy of true love and worthy of a prince charming. That they would get their fairy tale ending because after all, we are the bride of Christ and He longs to pursue us passionately with reckless abandonment. I looked at them and told them that despite being diagnosed with whatever the doctor said, that there is a healer who can erase any medical chart that has ever been written. That every hit, every lie, every kiss, every hookup, every fight, every tear would be worth it. That their life, their story, their calling had purpose. That they were meant to be here.

For the first time in life, I finally believed my own words.

Never let anyone shame your story. There is no shame. Your story will inspire others. After all, it changed you.