The good, the bad, and the ugly.

Why are some things just so hard to let go of? Is it the fear of not experiencing what you felt before, again? The emotions? The moments that took place? The memories made? The friendship that was made, that was then broken? Why does it feel like a punch in the gut and why does the mention of a specific name or event, change your demeanor? Are we afraid that we'll just be alone? That we're not good enough? That we won't get the job or degree? We won't have the family or the dream home? That something about us isn't right and that we might be off balance on some things? Are we afraid of the resentment and the fact that what took place might not ever occur again? What is it that holds us to the past?

When I first decided to write this blog, I promised myself that no matter the cost, I would be transparent and I would be real. Nothing irks me more than a two faced, hypocritical person. I'm the furthest thing from perfect and yet every day I gain grace that I will never deserve. Nothing I do in life can ever compare to the grace that has been poured out on my life. That being said, with grace and transparency comes honesty.

Part of being a leader means that some times those closest to you will see the ugly and the reality is that those closest to you, need to see the ugly. Not just the good and the bad, but the ugly. The junk we try to hide and what we push away. Proverbs 27:17 says that “So as iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another.” I need those closest to me put me in my place when I need to be checked. It's good for us. It's part of community and relationship. I want them to deal with me on the crap that I don't want to deal with and I need them to call me out on my mistakes.

This weekend several situations took place in which, I preset the moments or conversations by saying, “don't judge me for this.” And to my surprise was, “we don't judge in this house and we won't judge you” was spoken from their lips. In that moment, I knew that they were sincere and genuine. I didn't have to hide and I didn't have to cover up the tears, the troubles, the fears, the questions. I simply could come as I was. So why do we cover up and hide so often?

I'm looked up to on many levels, at all times it seems. And sometimes it seems as though, which I am sure it is unintentional, I am placed upon a pedestal. I'm not better than anyone, by any means, but the doors have opened for me to be in the positions that I am. With leadership comes responsibility and accountability whether you want it or not. Management at work, mentorship with students, mentoring close friends, a leader in my church, the one people call when they need prayer, the one that everyone runs to in time of need. But what happens when I need to run to someone? What happens when I need to uncover the ugly and call it like it is? Why are we are so afraid to show this side? Maybe we're scared of repeating the past but if history continues as it has, it will continue but we have the opportunity to change that.

I went to a youth service this past week and the title was, “Everything changes tonight.” I sat there just happy to be in a youth service and little did I know that I needed to hear that message just as much as the 17 year old did. I make the decision of whether or not things change or if they continue. So why do I allow myself to get bent out of shape? Why do I continue to question what I already know? My hope rests and is in confident in the one who set my life into motion on May 1^st, 1986 at 4:31 in the afternoon.

If I have learned one thing in the past 6 months, it is to deal with issues now so that seven years down the road, they don't deal with me. When you are open to God growing you, He will grow you up. In all all ways, always. My hope and desire is that I never get to a point, to where I can't deal with the “ugly.” That I am not too ashamed to admit that I have problems too and that sometimes, late at night, I cry myself to sleep. I question the decisions that I made a week ago and even a year ago. I have my own demons that scream into my ear that tell me that I'll never be married and I'll never have kids. I'll never be the boss, I'll never get the degree. I'll quit when it gets tough and what was spoken over my life before then, was just a lie. The demons, the voices, the torment, THAT it is just a lie. You can choose to believe what the world says about you or you can choose to believe what the Word, the Good Book, the Bible says about you. And that this faith thing, I walk it out every day. It's not always easy. It will never be easy. The truth is and it may be cliché but it is real and honest... if it were easy, everyone would do it. You- I – We will be blessed. The last shall be first. Those who sow here and now, will reap an inheritance if we faint not. He who has begun a good thing, will not stop until it is finished. He who is able to do exceedingly, abundantly more than one could ever hope or imagine. That the desires of our heart, they will be fulfilled according to his promises.

Some of us, myself including, need to get beyond the “don't judge me” and just get to the “okay- let's deal with the ugly.” Because when you get to that point, that is when change comes. That's when you really are transparent and in that moment you can truly say, “everything changes tonight.” I'm willing to do whatever it takes to get there.