Deceit // Grace // Post Season Baseball

I tell myself that by writing this, it should make me feel better. It should make me clear my head and cause me to get things out in the open. So we shall see if that actually works.

I've kept my mouth shut for 21 days. I've maintained my composer and I've kept a good attitude. I had decided that the best thing for me to do was to keep my lips sealed, hold the anger within, and not say how I feel and not vent. But, I couldn't do that forever. Eventually you will break if you hold it all inside. I look at pictures, I hear conversations, I read text messages, I see posts, and it makes me cringe on the inside. And in all honesty, I was tired of my friends asking me what was wrong, as I said nothing and then smiled after they said that they didn't believe me.

Cringe: (verb) to draw back as with fear or pain. To shatter and recoil.

I'm not an angry person. I don't live in guilt. But I do question myself, often. I question decisions and ramifications on a daily basis. Whether it is good or bad, it is a vicious cycle. In all actuality, I tend to believe that I am a very happy person and a very optimistic person, but sometimes the optimistic side of me gets the best of me and blinds me from reality. The reality that some people are just mean and no matter how you look at it, some people are just flat out douche bags.

You don't have to agree with me. We don't have to be on the same sides of the fence. You don't have to tell me I am your favorite person. You don't have to call or text me every day. But you can't lie to me. You can't call me family and lie to me. You can't say I am one of your best friends and bold face lie to me. Yet, some will. Those closest to you, will you hurt you the deepest. Those closest to you will gut your emotions, wreck your world, and make you believe the biggest lie of your life. The worst part about this is not the lie. The worst part is that you were not important enough to them for them not to lie to you and only speak the truth to you. Why do we do this? Why do we hurt those closest to us and yet, expect a simple “I am sorry, please forgive me.” to fix everything? Because it doesn't. I mean it never truly fixes it a 100%. You will always think about it in the worst of timings. In the back of your mind, even the smallest of memories, you will remember it. And something, somewhere- some scent- some picture- some idea of fall- some sky scraper- a taxi cab- an image of a lake house- something, will bring those emotions and memories to life. You will remember what happened and why you felt the way that you did after it was all said and done. And when you step back and look full circle, you realize you were simply deceived. And admitting you were deceived I think is the hardest part than realizing you were. No one wants that. No one deserves that. A seven year friendship that was simply a deceitful lie.

The thing about being deceived is that you don't realize you are being deceived.

Deceive: (verb) to be false and dishonest. To cause someone to believe an untruth. To be misleading.

I'm quick to forgive. I'm very quick to see the best in you. I look at people and say to myself, until they prove me wrong I will trust them. Yet, why do others say, I will not trust you until you prove me right? Was it the way I was raised? Was it my hope? I think it was and is grace. I've had non stop study of grace over the past 2 weeks. I find this humorous- if you know me, you know why. I just went through one of the hardest situations I think, I could have ever imagined. Something I never saw coming, came at me like a foul ball going down the left baseline that looks like it will be a home run in the bottom of the 9^th inning, bases loaded, 3 balls, 2 strikes, for the game winner. You think it is a home run and all things are going perfect and within the last the second, the wind blows just right and the ball crosses the foul line. It's gone. The perfect pitch with the perfect swing, along with the perfect hit, it is gone. You can't explain it other than the wind blew just enough to push the ball over the edge and out of the fairway, game over.

Side-note: Post season began this past week.. of course my mind is on nothing but Tiger's baseball.

I read this, this week and it felt like, what I call, an “A-ha moment”...

“The reason some people have turned against you and walked away from you without reason, has nothing to do with you. It is because I removed them for your life because they cannot go where I am taking you next. They will only hinder you in your net level because they have already served their purpose in your life. Let them go and keep moving. Greater is coming.”- God.

Grace is defined as compassion, kindness and a disposition of consideration for others. On the Biblical side it is defined as unmerited, FREE favor from God. Something you don't deserve, you can never do anything to receive it, yet it is given freely to you. Maybe this is why I am optimistic and I am hopeful and believe the way that I do. It has been done to me, way more than I can truly comprehend.

Now by saying this, it doesn’t give you the right to just hurt someone, me, anyone for that matter and feel as though you will just get away with it. It doesn't mean that you just sin on Friday, to repent on Sunday. It doesn't mean that you mess up, purposefully, to only ask for forgiveness later. To me, it means that you realize the true, real meaning of grace. It means that you see the light at the end of the tunnel- the big picture. You see that someone died for you because of the decisions that you would make ten years down the road and the decisions you made last night.

Grace is a ruined friendship and forgiveness steps in with healing. Grace says, “I kept you, I chose you, I redeemed you.” Grace says that you are on the “B-Team” not the “A-Team” but I don't want the A-team, I will use the B-team. Grace says that despite your past, I will mold you and make you mine. Grace was Peter denying Jesus three times and throwing him under the bus in front of EVERYONE, and then Peter having a ridiculous anger management problem and God using him to preach. Grace was using Paul who killed thousands of Christians, interrupting his life and calling him to preach and save the Christians. Grace is a restoring a marriage that was married for over 20 years, divorced, and is now remarrying each other, AGAIN. That's freaking Grace. Grace is interrupting my life and saying, “Jenn, despite what you have been through and what you have seen and experienced, I will heal your jadedness and restore your faith. You are mine and I will redeem you. I will never leave you nor forsake you. My ways are higher than yours. My thoughts are higher than yours. And though it doesn’t make sense now, it will in the end.”

Titus 3:1-7 (Jenn's version): Remind the people to be subject to the rulers and authority. To be obedient, to be ready to do whatever is good. To slander no one and to live in peace and be full of compassion and consideration at all times. For at one time, you were just like them. You were obnoxious, foolish, and disobedient. You were deceived and you deceived. You were slaves by your own decisions and you lived for your own pleasures. You lived in envy and created a life of hate and hating others. But when the kindness and love of our God, appeared before us, He did not just save us. He redeemed us and restored us. He didn't do it because of the righteous things that we had done, but He did it because of His love, compassion, and mercy. He saved us through his Son. So then He JUSTIFIED us by Grace. His grace- that we might become heirs of having hope and grace of life.

Grace is not a thing. Grace is a person. His name is Jesus.

“You are good, you are good when there is nothing good in me. You are light, you are light when the darkness is closing in. You are hope, you are hope and you have covered all my sins. You are peace, you are peace when fear is crippling. You are true even in my wandering. You are my joy- you are the reason I sing. In you, death has lost its sting. Oh, I'm running to your arms, the riches of your love, will always be enough. Nothing compares to your embrace. Light of the world, forever reign.”