My Silver Linings Playbook

Tonight I sat in a living room with roughly 15 amazing people and to me, it was such a sweet experience. I say this because nights like tonight are needed so often and yet they don't occur enough. I remember about three weeks ago I was at my breaking point. Mentally, emotionally, spiritually, I was just so ready to give up and throw in the towel and just take a humongous step back. 

I sat on my porch with one of my roommates and as we looked out to see the city lights mixed with the starry sky, I remember her saying "When you want to give up- just remember that He brought you here for a purpose. If you haven't fulfilled that purpose then it isn't over yet." The words came in one ear and went out the other and what I thought was just a moment, for days after that night, those words just echoed in my ears. 

I finally got to a point where I just couldn't pretend that I was okay. I know I wear my emotions on my sleeve but when people who don't even know me,notice something is wrong, then I know something really is wrong. I found that being the person who tries to keep it all together, sometimes just needs to let it all fall apart and most importantly I learned, that if that happens- it's okay. I had sushi with a friend that week, and as she poured her heart out to me, I couldn't express a single thing. It made me cringe to try and mutter the words "I am not okay" to her and when we finished lunch, all I could say was "I feel the same way." 

I felt so ashamed and so embarrassed to admit to someone these problems. Someone who I am supposed to be leading and helping along this journey of life, but I knew that it was okay to just sit there and listen and take it in. I knew something was happening within me that I couldn't explain. 

That week our Pastor began preaching on "Rebel's Love" and how Jesus' love and compassion for us is the most rebellious of all. He might not even remember saying it but there was a moment when he said, "When do we come to the place in our relationships where we can be brutally honest and admit- okay this _____ is where I am today?" 

Now add those words with the front porch words, along with the sushi conversation and the wheels in my head begin to turn non stop. 

A week later I finally sat down and just poured my heart and soul out. I realized that if I can't be open and honest and broken, then how can I help heal and lead others who are broken and hurting? I realized that sometimes when everything seems to be falling apart and pieces are crumbling that you cannot understand for all life's sake, that just sometimes, it just so happens that actually everything is falling into place. 

This isn't an easy reality to comprehend and quite honestly, it is something that daily I have to remind myself of. But it is in these moments that I am reminded of the "It just so happens" kind of stories that reminds me why I am here after all. 

I know that this road is not easy. I know that this road is not always hard. I know sometimes it will feel like the mountain top and then sometimes it will feel like I have made the worst decisions of my life. And every single one of those emotions are okay. It is perfectly natural and normal- we are human. We are born to question and reason our very own grasp of knowledge and understanding. It causes us to be who we truly are. 

I remember sitting there, being asked what my so called "silver-lining" was and what my next steps were, and though they terrified me at the moment, looking back three weeks later I understood that it is okay to not know what is going to happen. It does not matter if you can't see your own foot steps or know what tomorrow holds, all that matters is that He, Christ Jesus, He has already gone before you- no matter which road you choose to take. And He makes all things work together for the good of those who love Him. And He is always for you and never against you. Even in the midst of brokenness and trials and fear. And He is usually the closest to you when you feel the furthest from him. 

So when I sat in a room of 15 people tonight and heard the "It just so happens" stories of how our paths all crossed, I knew that tomorrow would take care of tomorrow and that at the end of the day, Jesus already has plenty of the "It just so happens" lined up for me to walk into.

I also know that these exist in my tomorrow's also.. 

I believe in red lipstick and late nights. Loud music and spontaneous road-trips. Strong coffee and brutally honest conversations. Sunrises in the mountains and sunsets on the beach. Buying the plane ticket and becoming pen pals. Making s'mores at midnight and having breakfast for dinner. Laughing until the tears stroll down your face and your belly aches. A back road drive with the windows down and fireworks just because. I believe in creating a life of memories and happiness, for you find this is those that you love and experience life with. This is my silver lining.