The Year of All Years: 2018
Well, hello December. Where did you come from? I remember as a kid, my momma would always say “Remember this now, because as you get older, time only flies.” She also said that bellbottoms and fashion would make it’s rounds again, and well, here we are. And she wasn’t lying. But seriously, how is it December 11th?
--- Yes, I am aware that today is December 30th. I started writing this on December 11th. And then tried again on December 22nd. And yeah, well, here we are. ---
I feel like yesterday, I was writing my 2017 end of the year blog and here I am writing my 2018 end of the year blog. So much unplanned has happened. So much didn’t happen that I thought would happen. But yet, so much did in fact happen! Whew!
My word, well words for 2018 were “stewardship & fulfillment”. My prayer is that I stewarded well what was laid in my hands and along my path, and most importantly, I pray that regardless of how things did or didn’t go, I pray that as the year ends, that I found fulfillment in the journey. I also have learned that both of these words have very much become a part of who I am. My day to day, my dreams and my desires. They weren’t just for 2018, but they are very much for my existence.
Stewardship:The position and duties of one who is a steward. The one who is responsible for overseeing the care and protection of something or someone considered worth caring for and preserving. One who is appointed by an organization or a group to supervise the affairs.
Fulfillment:The act or state of being fulfilled. Fulfill- To carry out, to bring to realization, as a promise. To satisfy. To obey or follow commands. To bring to an end, to finish or complete, as a period of time. To help develop the full potential of oneself.
When you write them down, next to each other, the weight of the words seems to be so much heavier. In the very best of ways I can now understand both of their importance. And if I am being very honest, I have not really dug into the definitions of each word, as I have just now.
I am sitting in a coffee shop, Jubilee Roasters, here in Denver, and my heart feels full. But if I am being very honest, my heart feels anxious and my heart feels very weak. I found so much fulfillment in 2018, but I also found so much disappointment. But greater than both of those, what leads me to knowing I did well this year, is knowing that I stewarded what was laid in my path, well. And I am ending this year with joy and anticipation of 2019. My heart feels the tugs of the strings of what my next steps might be. My heart feels the grief of broken relationships, but my also feels the hope of the right relationships, if I allow myself to step back and take my hands off of things and truly let go and trust God.
To sum up the year, this is what happened:
- Red River in the winter… gorgeous snowcapped mountains.
- San Diego for my birthday in May.
- Dallas.
- Savannah, Georgia for the annual Marie trip!
- Louisiana for summer camp!
- Back to Dallas to have a surprise birthday weekend for one of my best gals.
- New Orleans for a life changing trip.
o In the craziest- freakiest- weirdest Airbnb I’ve ever stayed in. That’s a whole different blog.
- Back to Dallas.
- I think I actually stayed in the state for the month of November. Maybe. YES! Mom and Dad came and it was awesome! J
- Denver for Rozzy’s birthday!
- Breckenridge for a day and it was like a page out of a Hallmark movie. GUYS THERE WAS A CHRISTMAS DOG PARADE. And Snow. And Santa. HEAVEN ON EARTH!
- Home for Christmas in Michigan which was lovely.
Yep, that pretty much sums it up.
Oh, and I quit my job in the middle of summer. Ten years in banking and I handed in my keys and badge and hung up my title as banker. Crazy, right?
It’s funny because at the beginning of 2018, I had different plans in mind- Pay off debt, save as much money as possible for the coffee shop, enjoy life, maybe fall for someone (okay, well that did happen but whatever) and reanalyze your life, maybe move, and quit the bank at the end of the year and open Ellie’s on January 17thof 2019. Yet, here we are. And YES- Ellie’s is still happening… one day, in God’s timing. I don’t know when, and I don’t really know how. But there’s vision and goals and they’re on paper and now I just wait. Remember, stewardship and fulfillment.So, I started what I knew to start and then as things kind of “unraveled” throughout the spring and summer, I had to take my hands off and truly lay them in God’s hands.
I honestly had no intention of quitting my bank job to go on staff at my church. I thought maybe one day down the road. Like years. Definitely not in 2019 or 2020 and for sure not in 2018. But here we are. Stewardship and fulfillment. It always goes back to those two words for me. I can honestly end the year saying that I feel as though I stewarded well and I definitely found fulfillment through the days and weeks. I realized that I can’t always control what happens to me, but I can control how I choose to react and grow from it. I can choose to make myself better or I can choose to myself bitter. I can choose to rest and be at peace and turn my laptop off when I know I need to rest and better my friendships and relationships, or I can choose to sleep deprive myself and mentally exhaust my emotions and heart to the point that I cannot even function or think straight. There are two paths. I have realized that when I steward what the Lord has laid in my path for that day, then I am able to take on that day and I can let tomorrow take care of itself. If I prepare myself for today,and tomorrow for tomorrow,then there is a great chance that I am going to truly find fulfillment in the journey.
It doesn’t always make sense. Rarely will it ever. It doesn’t have to make sense. We’re not called to understand, we are called to be obedient. And I always go back to that. Especially when it is not going my way. And I had to remind myself of that truth and reality about every day in 2018.
As I was flying home last Monday, I listened to a podcast of two people that I really admire and look up to. Shelley Giglio and Hannah Brencher. I especially admire them in their respective faith walks and their journeys. They’re real and they don’t sugar coat this Christian walk and they’re not afraid to be unapologetically authentic and transparent when it comes to living in a life of obedience.
“Everyone loves what’s above the surface. But your life is only as beautiful as what’s underneath of you. What is your foundation? What is supporting you? There is nothing pretty about a big hole. But what’s inside of that hole? What have you dug? What have you allowed the Lord to dig in you? To get rooted deep down on the inside of you?
The beautiful stuff comes from the hard stuff. The stuff deep inside of the hole. The roots.
I want to live in such a way that things only get better and better as the years go on. I want to love every moment I am in. I have to find the good wherever I am because God’s goodness is all around me. You can see His thread of goodness from the past, to the present and it being woven into your future. So, I pray to see and notice His goodness in every moment. I count the years as they go, not as they have been.
I want to be in a long obedience in the same direction. A continued obedience àIsay “YES” every day to God. My heart’s desire is to apply obedience every day before the questions are ever asked. I will always say yes to Him.”
- Shelley Giglio
I think it is easy to read those words and listen to those inspirational podcasts, nod along and agree and write down several notes and even send encouraging texts to those who help you in life, but, when are we actually going to put action to paper? When I am going to actually do something about it?
This year, 2018, it was for sure without question a year of absolute obedience. And I am grateful for it. A year of obedience that led to a year of stewardship and fulfillment. I know that the Lord’s timing is perfect. Even when I didn’t see His goodness, I choose to seeHis goodness. Even when I didn’t understand, I choose to seeHis purpose and trust His ways.
Orchestrate: to compose or to arrange. To combine so as to achieve a desired or maximum effect.
In 2019, I choose to let the Lord orchestrate. My heart says yes, my soul says yes, and I will rest and say “YES” to allow Him to orchestrate greater. I will allow Him to compose and arrange the most beautiful moments and appointments through relationships, family, and friendships.
I was asked today the following question and quite honestly, it kind of stumped me because it is very overwhelming, in the very best of ways-
What was the kindest thing that someone has done for you this year?
I can’t say one specific thing, but I’ll sum it up as this- I was given and shown grace and kindness that made me a better person today. I was given an opportunity to dream and create again. I was given the opportunity to fail, but really it only is for the better, and to fail well! Because at the end of the day, no one can fail as good as you can. So, make the best of what you have in your hands, along your path and steward it well and you just might find the most overwhelming amount of fulfillment possible. Also, Spiritual Family- YOUR PEOPLE- there is nothing like it. It is hard, it is messy, it is costly, but it is glorious and the greatest gift ever.
Thank you, 2018.
xo- Jenn Marie
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