Brunettes // Pretty Hurts // Open Doors
Every year, I promise myself that this upcoming year will be better than the last year. And then at the end of the year, I do my re-evaluation. A week ago, I found myself journaling that this year, 2014, I wanted to be content with where God currently had me in my life and not try to figure it all out. That did not mean complacent but to truly be at peace with where I am in life and to just enjoy the journey.
January 9, 2013 I wrote in my journal, “much stress comes from you trying to make things happen before their time. So let go of what you cannot control and accept what you cannot change.”
So that’s great in all, but as I began studying and journaling even more, I began flipping through old journals and reading old blogs and I came to a realization that, this was something I have wanted for the past 2 years. 2012, 2013 and now 2014. I just want to be at peace with where I am and have faith in my future.
The past 3 weeks, my pastor has preached on the “Open Door.”
Revelation 3:8 “I have set before you an open door in which no man can close.”
I grew up in church, you know this, I know this… and I have heard this a million times, my father LOVES the book of Revelation- but this time it was different. I realized that though I have heard this scripture and these words, I hadn’t really HEARD these words.
I have come to realize several things over the past three weeks:
- You might not be able to see the evidence of your dream, but you can still believe in your dream. This is called faith.
I list all of these 13 things at random, because it screams who I am and the thoughts that roll through my conscience at any given time of the day. I am not always happy and I am not always full of faith. I don’t always find myself being courageous; I often find myself questioning myself. But I have found that if I just trust in him, it gets a little bit easier. Sure it will still be hard, but I know that whatever I commit to him, he’ll take care of. It’s in HIM, who I place my trust. It’s in HIM, that I will one day open a coffee shop. It’s in HIM, that I finally understand why I was told to walk away from my Criminal Justice degree to go to a Bible College in the cornfields of Ohio. It’s in HIM, that I discover why I was supposed to go back and get my Business Management degree.
Within me, I just screw things up. I complicate things. I get scared and nervous, shy and timid. Within me, there are insecurities and doubt and fear that taunt me every single day to point of tears. But it is in Him who I find my worth and my value. It’s not my weight or the smile on my face or my family and friends, even though I do have some pretty freaking amazing people in my life. But at the end of the day, if they all went away, it just has to be Jesus who keeps me going. It has to be the open door that He has set before me.
Beyoncé recently came out with a song that is called “Pretty Hurts” and if there was ever a song written for young women today, it is this. The first time I heard it, I wanted to sing it, scream it, and preach it until my voice was gone. I remember driving down Hefner Parkway, just listening to the words and I realized the truth behind the lyrics:
“Pretty hurts, we shine the light on whatever is worse. You’re tryna to fix something but you can’t fix what you can’t see, it’s the soul that needs surgery. Aint no doctor or pill that can take the pain away. The pain that is inside. Plastic smiles and denials can only take you so far. Pretty hurts”
If you look through my pictures, you will see that I have pretty much had every color of the rainbow as my hair color, but for the past three years, I haven’t let go of being blonde. I finally decided five days ago that to do something for myself. You might not understand this, but for three years, I held onto a very silly conversation. He loved me as a blonde and though he told me I was pretty as a brunette, I was beautiful as a blonde.
Everytime I would go to the salon to get my hair done, when they asked, "what color today?" I would cringe when those voices would enter my ears. The pretty versus the beautiful.
Everyone is pretty, but to be called beautiful, is to be treated as though you were a queen. I wanted to feel beautiful. I wanted to be BEAUTIFUL. I wanted to be a size 6 again, because that was what was loved. That was beautiful. But I was just pretty. So I told myself for far too long.
I sat in a chair Thursday night as Robin took the blonde out of my hair. I wanted to cry because I knew it was an ending, but when I realized that before me set a door that I could walk through once and for all, I smiled because I knew it was only the beginning of something truly beautiful. I knew that 2014 didn’t have to be complacent. I didn’t have to be content. I could be fearless and full of adventure. I knew that if I wanted it bad enough, I could become it or achieve it. I knew that something as dumb as a hair color, didn’t define myself worth and in my King’s opinion, I was the apple of his eye and the most beautiful living creature that He had ever saw.
I realized in the past three weeks, that the only thing that I was holding back on, was simply just letting go of it all. The good, the bad. The ugly, the pretty. The amazing and the horrific. Not letting go of what I couldn’t control and not accepting what I couldn’t change. I realized that until I just let it go, I’ll only look through an open door, but I’ll never walk through an open door.
So I am going to try this open door, living with purpose thing. I’ll probably be a bit quieter and I might even break away from social media, which wouldn’t be a bad thing, in its entirety. I’m sure I will still blog, because writing is my vent, but I need to find me. I need to walk through an open door and not be afraid of the other doors that shut behind me. I need to have the courage, MYSELF. I need to have the confidence, MYSELF. I just really need to be, Jennifer Marie Castle.
Because at the end of the day, Jesus is better. And if I don’t give him everything, have I really given him anything?
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