Curiosity // Yoke // There

For the first time in about 6 months, I am finally beginning to feel free. Free from the past, free from hinderances, free from insecurities, free from mistakes, free from apprehension, free from questions, free from the future or the questions of the future. Just real true, freedom.

I remember reading the Matthew 11:28-30 and I would hear people preach it and speak it over their lives and I would think to myself, what does that mean? My yoke is easy? I can give you rest? Our souls can find rest? Learn from me- how can I learn from you? How is yoke easy? How can burdens find rest?

“Come to me, all of you who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”

So many times I would read this and it just never made sense to me despite the fact that it “sounded good.” We say things to feel better for the moment or to encourage one another to help them make it through another day, but what if we really could see that there is more that is ahead than our current state? What if in the middle of hell on earth, you could be at peace in your life? What if when everything is going wrong, you are content because you know who holds tomorrow?

I am a control freak. I am OCD. I am organized to a tee. I like to know everything before it happens. I am a planner. I want to know what's happening in December even though it is only August. Yet, when I do that, I lose sight of right now. I appreciate right now but I can't see what is actually in front of me and enjoy it. I can't be curious about what could be. It's like sitting in silence for a minute without your cell phone and then running to the other room to see how many tweets you missed, or who commented on your FB post, or who liked your Instagram. It's petty little things like that, that distract us from the moment.

Since March I have went back and forth about purchasing a new car. I don't need a new car. I have a great car. But I want a new car. I don't need a higher car payment even though I can afford a higher car payment. I just want the new car. But then I think about it and I am like, well I can get the 2014 in a month, so why not wait for that one? These are the thoughts that ramble through my head. Tonight, while talking with one of my best friends, she was like, “Jenn.... be content. You don't need a new car. You have a great car. Be content.”

It struck me. I sat there on the phone for about 30 seconds and didn't say anything as all I could hear was, “be content- learn to be content with what you have, right now.” It got me thinking and don't get me wrong, of course I still want the new car, but it just made me examine things in my life. What is it that makes us want something newer? Why do we need to know what's going to happen tomorrow? Why do we need to know how things are going to play out in a year? Why can't we just live for today and now and make the best of what we have, while we have it? Why do we not strive to do better? Why do we not strive to help others become better? Why do we allow people, even our own selves to stay where we are? There is a fine line between being content and settling. God has not called us to settle by any means. But I strongly believe that when you are content with where you are, yet still expectant of what is to come, you can truly appreciate and experience true joy, true freedom, true peace, and true rest for yourself.

For the past three weeks my pastor has been preaching on “A place called There.” Each week he discusses what “THERE” looks like on different levels. One week it was the kids' ministry, then the church in general, and then our own personal lives and where God wants to take us. Granted I am an emotional person and I cry at the drop of a pin, but I sat there stunned, as tears strolled down my cheeks on the front row as he preached on, “There- a place we have never been before.”

“That you may know by which way you must go, for you have not passed this way before.”- Joshua 3:1-5

I thought about this. I wrote it down. Put it in my iphone and highlighted it. That you may know which way to go- the way you must go- for you have not went that way before. What is it that causes us to stay and not go the way of the different path? What is it that causes us to stay and settle? What causes us never to be content and happy? What makes us hate change?

These are just some of my notes from that day:

What if being strange is okay? What if God is calling you to be different? < - - - stop trying to be like everyone else. Stop trying to keep up with Jones's or the Kardashians...whoever that icon or idol may be in your life. We buy things that we cannot afford to try and impress people who we don't even really care about in the first place. OUCH.

What if God wants to do something in your life that you don't understand? < - - - this is hard on everyone. I remember literally saying out loud, God please give me strength to not make lists and be so tied to a schedule and a timeframe of how things should be. I didn't understand at the time why nothing was going the way I wanted it to go but hindsight is always 20/20. “For my thoughts are not your thoughts. My ways are not your ways- my ways are higher than yours.” Why is this is so hard to grasp? He created everything. He created yesterday. He knows about tomorrow. He sees ten years from now. So why can we not trust him when He does things differently?

Who am I to tell God no just because I don't understand it? < - - - read the above. I have to tell myself this about five times... a day. At the bare minimum.

What are you, Jennifer Marie Castle willing to lose to gain? What are you willing to let go of?

Um, let's be honest. This is scary. This is terrifying. This is straight putting everything you have out there on a plate and handing it over for what?? Something you have no idea for. But this is the great amazing thing about God, he says in his word, “For my yoke is easy and my burden is light- so come to me, learn from me.” When we give it to God, it doesn't have to make sense. It doesn't have to be crystal clear. I have learned in the past 3 years, nothing happens by chance and it hardly ever makes a lick of sense while it is happening- everything is part of a bigger plan. It all makes sense and all things work together for the good. It may not seem like it at the time, I know that. But it does. His word promises it. It doesn't say that it won't hurt and your faith won't be tested and you won't be ridiculed, it says that it will hurt and your faith will be tested and you will be ridiculed. People died for believing this. Then and today. People are still dying today for believing in this, but I still believe that it all is worth it in the end.

What are you so scared of, Jenn Marie? < - - - Being alone. Never getting married. Not preaching. Not doing what I am called to do. Not being able to have kids. Failing. Disappointing. Not getting out of debt. Never graduating with my BA and Masters.

[ if you're not going to be honest, you're never truly going to be able to deal with it. ]

“Some people stare at the same door that God has shut waiting for God himself to reopen the door again, while all along He has gone before you and opened other doors that you are too blind to see.” < - - Can we say, wow? I mean seriously. How often do we do this? We settle for the job because it is convenient and pays the bill but at the end of the day, it's not the job we want. We settle for the boyfriend or girlfriend because they make you feel good on the weekend but at the end of the day, they only tear you down and verbally and emotionally abuse you. We can't let go of a past relationship so we torment the person(s) that are in our lives now and it ruins the current relationship. We are too scared to say yes because it doesn't make sense, that we miss the opportunity of a lifetime. We are too scared to leave the big city to go to a small city and change the world, or vice versa.

God never called us to settle. He called us to leave and go and make a difference.

The first 4 months of 27 has been amazing. I've never felt more alive than I do today. I have never been happier and felt more rested than I do right now and my life is busier than ever. I should be asleep, it's 1 am and I have to be up in 4 hours, but it's okay because this is one of the things I love to do.. write. Share my heart. Share how my life has been changed, hoping it can help change someone else life.

For those who are curious, there is more.

I want to be curious. I want to know what else is out there. I want to see more sunsets and visit more cities. I want to never settle in my own ways that I forget to learn. I want to not be scared of making mistakes or repeating the past, that I can't enjoy today. I want to fall in love with reckless abandonment in the hope that I am pursued with an unending love and passion. I don't want to do anything half way. I want to give it my all and if I get hurt, then I get hurt. But I know that there is more. I know that things can change and will change. I believe there is a generation that can change the world. I believe that purity can still exist and does exist today. I believe that lives can be changed and will be changed. I believe that you can wake up and love where you work and what you do. I believe that passion can be unending but you have to keep reminding yourself of what sparked the passion and never lose it. I believe that those who are crazy enough to believe that they can change the world, will change the world. I believe in making mistakes. I believe that you don't know until you try, even if it means trying fifty times. I believe in getting it wrong and learning how to do it the right way. I believe in second chances. I believe in fairy tales. I believe in happy endings. I believe in tomorrow. I believe in faith. I believe in curiosity. And I believe that I am curious enough to change my world, so I will do it.