365 Days

This might start off a little rocky and random, but if I have learned anything over the past 365 days, it is that it doesn’t have to be perfect. I don’t have to articulate the most perfect sentences and I am sure that sentence itself had some imperfections. It doesn’t always have to make sense. Sometimes, most times, it’s quite terrifying- the unknown, the uneasiness, the anxiousness, the fear, the hesitancy, the confusion, the restlessness. All of it. It’s all terrifying. But what is on the other side of that journey, is a beautiful story of restoration. A story of hope. A story of healing. A story of absolute, total surrender.

It’s been 365 days since I sat at my kitchen table after a youth service, ate cereal and had my first full on melt down/ anxiety/ panic attack- whatever you want to call it, that I had ever experienced. I sat directly across the table from my roommate and within 30 seconds, I felt as though something overcame me in a way that I had never experienced in my entire life. Screaming, hysterically crying, dropping f-bombs and having a full on melt down in my kitchen. It happened on July 19^th, 2017. God bless my roommate. Literally. Rosalyn, I can’t ever say thank you enough.

I got up from that table, walked out my front door and sat on the top step of my porch and cried my eyes out until my friend & Pastor’s wife, Kimber answered her phone. I don’t remember everything that was said in that hour-long phone call. But I know that night, I decided in my heart and most importantly, in my mind, that everything that led up to July 19^th would no longer have control over me and I would let go and let God do whatever He needed to do in my life to heal my broken and shattered heart and completely restore every fragment of my soul.

The next morning, I reached out to several Christian counselors, until Kimber gave me the name of a lady here in the city… literally down the street from my house. Sherry at Vine Life Christian Counseling. Kimber had already done all the pre-work but I had to actually make the phone call and set the appointment. Scariest phone call of my life and when I walked through those doors on July 25, 2017, I don’t think my heart has ever felt more peace than in that moment. My heart felt like it was home.

What I didn’t know that was about to take place, was everything I could never imagine. I don’t even know if there are enough words to explain the healing and restoration that happens in that little room with the two chairs or what happens along the journey, but it’s been beautiful. I understand that not everyone has a story like mine and sometimes it takes longer for others than some. But it’s not about a time frame. It’s about a journey. I’m thankful that I finally grasped that and began to understand.

I reference time frames and journeys because earlier this year, I thought I would be finished with counseling and I was finished dealing with anxiety and even some small pieces of depression and I realized that I wasn’t. I had just gotten really good at suppressing my feelings and my emotions. I was even better at in 2018 than I was in 2017 and that was scary. Suppressing felt powerful and even at times like a sense of being manipulative and that for sure was not okay with me. I quickly began to realize that if I am not in control and if I am not aware of what is happening or what is coming, then it totally throws me off. So this was new to me, because I’ve always been the kind of “go with the flow” attitude and lifestyle. But when it all began to surface, I realized that I had only let my heart become consumed with bitterness, anger, and jealousy and that is for sure not who I am.  I remember crying and falling apart just to cry because I felt empty. And I remember there would be the happiest of days and then out of nowhere, somedays I could barely crawl out of bed. This was never me and I refused to let it consume me. I refused to let my emotions manipulate my true self.

I realized in this moment, that to get over it, I had to remember the journey and I had to recall everything that had already happened in the valley and the wilderness and praise and thank God for healing me along the way and overcoming all that I had already overcame. I refused to let fear, control, manipulation, depression, and anxiety win again.  

It wasn’t until June of 2018 when the anger would fully surface and I’d come face to face with that. This was very new to me. Ask anyone who knows me- you would never see me pop off, you would rarely see me mad. I loathe confrontation. It was a Saturday morning- Rozzy and I had just finished breakfast and we were going to swim before our friend came over after work. She was cleaning the kitchen and I came out to ask something, and I don’t know what was said or what was done, but it led to me having another full on melt down in the kitchen. I went back in my room, screamed at the top of my lungs, hit the back of the door twice and finally on the second hit, my hand went through the door. I screamed again. Collapsed on my bed and cried my eyes out. I was terrified. Roz asked what was wrong and asked me to open the door and I screamed at the top of my lungs, again. After about 3 minutes, I walked into the kitchen and stood in the hallway. I don’t remember what was said, I don’t know what triggered that. But I know that day, there was no more suppressing and there was no pushing or hiding emotions. I stood there and felt paralyzed and overcome by fear. I was shaking uncontrollably and crying and barely able to catch my breath. I told her I felt like I was having another panic/anxiety attack and we addressed it while standing in the kitchen, wearing our bathing suits. We later laughed about that, the bathing suits part.

I laid on my bed and cried and prayed and begged God to take fear and anxiety from me. I wanted to get on a plane and fly somewhere or I wanted to pick up the phone to call my counselor or call another friend and I just simply couldn’t. I felt as though God himself was standing in front of me saying, “If you want to be done with this, you have to give it to me. You, Jennifer Marie, have to give this to me. You have to surrender it once and for all and you have to be willing to let me heal and restore you. On my terms. This journey that you are on, I’ve never not been there. So, stop acting like you’re alone.” OKAY. I laid there and cried and wept so hard. Roz came in and sat down on the ottoman and prayed over me. Prayed over our house. Prayed over our friendship and our sisterhood. People, get friends who will not only pray over you, but pray with you and pray you through it- whatever/wherever you are.

It hasn’t been perfect since that day. But I’ve recognized along the way, that in the moments I begin to feel the anxiousness or the fear, I have to call it what it is and address it right then and there. The lies that are in my head- I call them out, write them down and then re-write them with every prayer and positive truth and Word of God that there is, over those lies.

Along the past year, there have been plenty of journals, plenty of talks, so many tears, countless podcasts, so much truth, so much reading of the Word, and so many prayers. Listen to me, if anything in this blog comes off the screen to you, let it be this--- you need to find people to surround yourself with that will pray over you and speak over you and not leave. I was terrified to admit in the beginning that I struggled with anxiety and fear and that I was going to see a counselor because of it, but it wasn’t until I came face to face with admitting that, that I began to see the amazing people that the Lord had placed in my life come to my rescue. I cannot tell you how many phone calls I have had where friends and family prayed over me, how many times I cried in my boss’s office and she spoke words of truth and healing over me right then and there- in the middle of a Thursday or on a Tuesday morning. The times where I sat in the car with a friend after an Easter service and we both shared our hearts and cried and vented on how frustrated we were on how things did or didn’t happen. The conversations where you admit and acknowledge how frustrated you are with God. The times where you bring all of your doubts and questions to the table.  How many confessions you have in the hair salon that then continues to Dairy Queen. How many random road trips I went on just to be reminded of the beauty of the scenery. Or how many flights I took to overlook the mountains and see the valley below, to then sit on a beach and look out at the ocean as the waves crashed over my feet.

The Lord will give you people. His people. The ones you least expect Him to send to you, He will send them to you and your rescue. I am confident He shows Himself through people.

For those of you who are struggling with fear, anxiety, depression, suicide, mental illness-whatever it is- please know you are not alone. Not only is Jesus always with you, but there are friends and family who are ready to surround you with love and grace and truth and hope. I promise you. I don’t know why we don’t talk about this more- mental health. Because I feel like now, more than ever, we need to. We are all going through something, but I think when we realize that we are not alone and that we are in all truth- ALL GOING THROUGH SOMETHING…. Together… then that’s when it changes.

xoxo-

Jenn Marie