In All Ways, Always

“ In the quiet, in the stillness I know that you are God. In the chaos, in the confusion- I know you're 

sovereign still. In the moment of my weaknesses, you give me grace to do your will.”

When I remember the moment that I knew with every fiber in my being that Jesus was real, He wasn’t just a man on a piece of paper that I heard stories about, but He was a man that walked in grace and loved unconditionally with no expectation in return. He feared nothing and He pursued me with all relentless acts of unselfishness, yet I was so selfish and not interested in pursuing him, I found that my life had changed. When I knew that he was not passive; He was confrontational and aggressive yet compassionate and willing to do anything for those that He loved, I found that I wanted to be like him. I wanted to become him. With every ounce of my life, I wanted to “ooze Jesus.” I grasped the understanding of “walking the talk” and understanding what the wandering and wilderness was all about. I didn't just want to be a good person or a better person- it wasn't a competition, it never should be for that matter. But I just wanted to resemble what He was and stood for. I knew that the journey was the most beautiful part of the story and that the mountain top had very little to do with who I was, had it not of been for the wilderness.

I knew that when I was supposed to leave Ohio and move to plant a church in Oklahoma City, that it meant forgetting everything that I so called knew about the “church” and having him completely change my viewpoint. I knew that it meant accepting people; all kinds of people. The drug addicts, atheists, abusers, divorced, widowed, lonely, broken hearted. But even more, it meant accepting those who were Christians that messed up just like me. It meant accepting that the people that I looked up to, would let me down and disappoint me. And at times, I would want to walk away from them and quit. It meant accepting the fact that this road is not easy. This road is hard. And that I would cry more now than I did before. But it meant, that though I knew not a single thing about tomorrow, I knew who held tomorrow.

I write this with every honest and brittle bone in my body to tell you that with all that is within me, I have wanted to quit and walk away from it all. Even recently. Even like yesterday. I know I am supposed to lead this life  like I have it all together and that I know what is going on, but the reality is, I don't know what the hell is going. I used to be able to see my next steps and now I can barely see my own footsteps. I am terrified. I am scared and I feel alone. I know I love my family and my friends and my church and my co-workers and all of the amazing opportunities that I get to take part in. I don't take any of those for granted for a single second, but it doesn't suppress what I feel and what I experience. I don't write this for sympathy or encouraging phone calls, but I write it to say, that sometimes the person who everyone thinks that she has it all together, just needs those who love her, to not ask questions but just hold her together, even when she begins to fall apart. Too many times us “Christians” act like we can't step back and just breathe. I don't know if it is a pride thing or maybe just the fear of disappointing others, but when we can't step back and take a breather, we burn out and fall apart. Usually damaging relationships and friendships along the way whether it be un-intentional or not. It happens.

Growing up I heard of a person who was self-righteous and it was his way or the highway. Granted, the only way to heaven is through him, but it was shoved down throats. It wasn’t willing, it was forced. It was judgment and condemnation. And it was as if you, yourself was the Devil and then made an example of. I knew I didn't want to become that person or ever be associated with that person. Because after all, you become like the people you spend the most time with. Your mannerisms, your attitude, your cliches, whatever it may be that you and your crew do and whether it is intentional or not, it becomes you. It is inevitable.

I knew that becoming more like Christ, meant long nights of “self-awareness inventory” as you might say. It meant him digging into the deepest parts of my soul and politely asking, because he is a gentleman, to hand over the things that were no good for me despite how amazing they felt at the moments I experienced them. No matter how fun the sin was, it was only temporary and it wouldn't last. It might get me through the night, but it wouldn't get me through the months that turned into years. It meant setting aside my selfish pride and security of tomorrow, for the unknown. It meant not understanding why should I stay with the job I have, when at the end of the day, I know it is not what I am called to do forever but I know it is what I am called to do now. It meant letting go of the numbers game that ran through my mind as the school loans and interest added up while I finished my degree, not knowing what I will actually even do with that degree.

Yet, I knew it meant that I would want to walk in his grace and love people unconditionally. To pursue dreams and passions with reckless abandonment because he pursues with me passion and reckless abandonment. To welcome anyone, from any place, from any story that they hold with open arms because He is the one who waited for the prodigal son to return home. I want to genuinely be there for people not because they need it, but because they deserve it. I want to change someone's life and I want to help make their dreams come true. I want to live a life of honesty and integrity and know that at the end of my life, I resembled Jesus. I oozed Jesus with every action and thought that I made. 

 I want to be the biggest advocate and the biggest fan for the underdog. I want to be apart of the B-Team because He chose the B-Team. He chose the misfits with the problems and the confused ones. He chose the ones with the anger management issues. He chose the ones who didn't have it all together. He picked the people who were the least like him. Those who were cynical, jaded, and smart allecks. But He also picked those who he knew would love him and fight for him and for His cause. He chose the ones who weren't silent and refused to be silenced. He chose the ones who wanted to change the world because they knew that they could. And when they were scared when He was leaving, they clung to His promise that “He would never leave them or forsake them.” He didn't bring them this far to walk away. 

I find myself so often, just wanting to turn inward and hide. I want to pretend that it is all okay when it isn't okay. I want to act like I have it together, when on the inside I am freaking out. I am reminded of Matthew 11:28, "Come to me, all you who are weary and heavy burdened, and I will give you rest. Learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." You know it is so easy to hear these scriptures throughout the years or even when the Pastor preaches them, but sometimes I have to remind myself that these are the very words that Jesus is speaking to ME to ever single day. "Come to me- you, Jenn Marie Castle who is weary and heavy burdened- not understanding what is going on, barely being able to breathe so it feels as times- come to me and I will give you rest. Trust in me. Have faith in me, lean on me. Don't turn inward, look to me and have faith and confidence in those who love you and that are there for you. Have faith and confidence in me. I will sustain you." 

I remember relationships that I have had through out the years and even here recently. Some fizzle and some soar and then some relationships just seem to exist and I want my life, my relationships to do more than just exist. I want it to mean something and be something. Every relationship. I know that in the worst of times, that Jesus won't let me throw in the towel no matter how scared or how uncertain that I can be. I know that when I am most vulnerable with him, that more can be accomplished and taken care of. It's when I try to keep it all in and work on it, on my own time. And when I feel the furthest away from him, I know that I am really the closest to him. 

I know that just like the disciples, He didn't bring me to the middle of Oklahoma to walk out on me four years later. He knows I am scared and yet he gracefully whispers, “You can do all things for I will strengthen you. I have never left your side even when you have walked away from mine. I love you without condition. I love you with all that I am. I love you when you make the biggest mistakes. I love you when you are terrified and I will love you even when you think you love me the most. When you don't grasp what is happening, I will be there. I will hold your hand when the demons try to scream into your mind. I will be there to protect you. When no one will fight for you, I will fight for you. When you think you're unloveable, I will remind you that you are the most beautiful piece of creation to ever walk across the Earth. When you don't believe me, I will wait patiently as you learn to trust me more. When you don't think you can get out of the boat, I will stand in front of you and say, 'Come to me my child, who is weary and heavy burdened. Let me give you rest.' For I am yours and you are mine. I will lead you where your trust is without borders.”

Even if it takes losing everything, I want to be like him in all ways, always.