Things I don't want..

I remember like yesterday the day I moved to Oklahoma. I remember the fear, the anxiety, the heart racing, but what I remember the most is the overwhelming peace that surpassed every emotion that was surfacing. I was told I was crazy by many people and let's be honest, I probably was and still am today. But I am so glad that I didn't listen to the voices who said I was crazy. I'm even grateful that I didn't turn around as soon as I got on highway 70 in Columbus while I was on the phone freaking out. Yet, for some reason, I just kept driving west until I came to Oklahoma City.

I recall the months and even the year leading up to the move. I knew that I was supposed to move, I knew it was supposed to happen and I knew it was right around the corner but bigger than that, I knew that I had to be patient for it to happen at the right time. Before 2010, I tried to move two other times. Ask my roommate, she didn't believe when I said I was actually moving for good this time. Each time before then, I wanted to move on my terms, with my ideas; yet 2010 kind of just fell into my lap.

I look back at the move and think how the reason, the main reason- the motive- the go getter- the purpose that sustains me to stay here was easily just laid into my hands. The apartments and the houses that we have lived in, they came without a hitch. The job was lined up 6 weeks before the move and they even held the position for me. I moved here on $1200 that I withdrew from my 401k and my final paycheck. That's all I had to my name and yet everything could have fallen through, but it didn't. It didn't because it was the right time.

To see where I am today and look back at three years ago, I feel like, well I know I am a complete different person today. If I have learned anything, it is truly to let patience have her perfect work and let her have her way. < - - - - God's way. NOT Jenn Marie's way. I have been very blessed in my 27 years, way more than I will ever deserve. I'll never be able to earn all that I have truly been given but at the end of the day, it is the grace of God that has kept me here. It is also his patience.

I think so often we try to get ahead of ourselves and often times it can and usually is un-intentional. I'm sure we don't wake up saying, “ I can do this better than you God so let me just do it on my time.” Yet, the reality is it happens more than we like to admit. I believe this is a true part of being an adult as well as a maturing Christian. The walk of faith is not an easy walk. I look at our church and my pastor will always say, “We didn't call Doubt Church for just any reason.” And it is so true- everything in my life: the move, finances, car situation, career, friendships, relationships- it is all sustained by faith and faith alone.

I have had many moments in my life where I knew without a shadow of a doubt that something was going to happen and yet I had to have the faith and patience to bring it to pass. The biggest of these being the move. The second biggest being my career and most recently moving from the south side to the north side. The Bible says that God will never give us more than we can handle even when it seems impossible. I began to get so ancy a few months backs after I transitioned in careers to the north side. I got approved for a house and was super excited but quickly reality set in and even though I could afford it, it is a huge responsibility of actually buying a home. Not to mention, I have always wanted to share the “first home buyer” experience with my hubby. Now I have been blessed with a rental home in which I couldn't have even dreamt it up. It is beyond the right thing- the God thing.

Even when we get excited and know something is going to happen, we need to be patient for God's timing to allow it to happen at the right time. This is so much easier said than done but it is so true. In February I was challenged to work on my patience and at first I laughed and even said out loud- I am patient. Oh how that was a bad mistake. The moment you think you are patient, is the moment in which your patience begins to be tested. However, in hindsight, even in 3 months I have learned so much. My faith has been tested and it has grown. My patience has been tested and it has been hard, i'm not going to lie, but I appreciate and value so much what it has shown and taught me.

At the end of the day I have learned that if something isn't meant for me then I don't want it. If someone is meant for me, then I don't want them. If a job isn't meant for me, then I don't want it. If I am not ready for someone, then I don't want to entertain them. If he isn't ready for me, then I don't want to get my hopes up. If the house wasn't intended for me, then I don't want it. Even if something looks good and seems right, if it wasn't meant for me and if it isn't meant for me at that time, then I don't want it.

I want patience to have her perfect work in me that when she is finished, I will be complete and whole, lacking nothing. Nothing missing, nothing broken. This is the patience that I long for. The patience that I am so grateful that I have learned over the last, best three years of my life.